I was up until about 4:15 AM waiting for the verdict of the presidential election (and watching Rocky Horror Picture Show) and went asleep as very different person. I woke up this morning at 6:30 AM and could barely believe my news feed on Facebook. Yes, I had indeed witnessed the beginning collapse of my sense of security. Let's break this down because my mental breakdown demands I figure it out. 1) I am transgender. 2) I am mixed heritages. 3) I use Obamacare/Affordable Care Act.
Being transgender is something I'm dealing with in therapy. I have never wanted to be open about it unless I've needed to or felt safe. Trump wants me, a human being with female reproductive parts but decent facial hair and masculine tendencies, to go to the bathroom with sisters, wives, daughters, nieces, aunts, grandmas...females who identify as females. He also has had an open rhetoric that invites people who are homophobic, xenophobic, transphobic, and whatever -phobic you can come up with that's focused on in society right now to openly attack/dehumanize/express themselves freely. That means: somebody sees me, they feel offended by my identity, they can tell me with their words or their fists. Whatever 'justice' they feel they can give me is the outcome. And because I'm transgender, the rights I already don't have won't be there to protect me. I'm sure it will somehow be my fault, that I asked for this, that I incited this kind of treatment. Am I being extreme? Possibly. But these are LEGITIMATE fears that I have. I am allowed to feel rejected and scared and demoralized. Not for long, but I'm allowed to have this meltdown because the securities I have are being threatened.
On top of being transgender, I'm mixed. My mom is white (but possibly of Mexican descent due to the fact that she's adopted, we will never know) and my father was black. I don't look black, I am mistaken for Hispanic more often than being white or even mixed, but I sure am. That makes me a target as well. Since I'm not from Mexico, it's safe to say I'm not a rapist or a drug dealer, according to Trump. But that keeps me open for discrimination. It allows for others who feel that I shouldn't be here, that I don't fit into the American Ideal, to tell me this. Again, do I feel that I'm being extreme, possibly. Legitimate fears. These are things that other people are thinking, feeling, experiencing. This is not a safe time right now and people are reeling and trying to make sense of their new safety/or lack thereof.
Obamacare has allowed for me to seek therapy. Not just for transgender issues, but because I need to make sure that I am mentally stable. Without it, I wouldn't have insurance because my job doesn't offer it in a traditional manner. I wouldn't be scheduled to get my first shot in about a month. I wouldn't be able to see a therapist who understands me, challenges me to deal with trauma, and who makes sure that I take care of myself and stay authentic to myself. Do you know how hard that can be when the world around you tells you that you're wrong? That you're just playing God and you're unworthy of love and happiness and safety? Yeah...trauma is fucking real people and I'm doing the very best I can to avoid additional trauma because of this election. Trump wants to repeal Obamacare and take away the healthcare that I do have. It's not much and it's not the most fabulous thing ever, but it is helping me live authentically and true to my happiness. That could be taken away from me. I won't be able to see my therapist, I won't get my shots, I won't be able to have surgery. Thus, I could become unstable at any moment and who the hell knows what then. I've got an amazing support around me, that definitely won't happen, but I am an exception. Not everybody is as blessed as I am.
This is not your everyday election. This isn't Bush and Obama, this isn't Obama and McCain. This shouldn't have been Clinton and Trump. There is nothing more scary than thinking that everything you live for, everything you've spent YEARS cultivating and protecting, could easily come crashing down because one man is surrounding himself with people who see me as a threat, a predator, an abomination, a "savage" (according to David Duke) and who don't believe I deserve basic rights because I'm lying and pretending I'm somebody else. If I were a threat or a predator, I wouldn't work with children and the love of my life wouldn't let me near her children. If I were...HALF of what Trump and some of his supporters believe I am, I wouldn't be here. I had somebody tell me today, while I was trying to let them know that Obama didn't TAKE anything away from people and that if people can say "Obama isn't MY president" then I can safely say "Trump isn't MY president" because I don't agree with most of his policies. Somebody told me...they straight up said "why don't you go hang yourself in your master's field?" This person knows me. We went to middle school and high school together. They knew me before, they are - were - a friend on facebook, but we hadn't actually spoken or seen each other in years. They felt that my fear of Trump and his anti-acceptance stance was worth me dying...at my own hands...in a field that doesn't exist, but apparently should because I've got black heritage. Will I always experience this? No. Because I haven't always experienced this. But realizing that there are SO MANY PEOPLE who believe that I am not to be treated as a regular human being because I'm not binary, white, educated is heartbreaking.
So yes, I will be cautious of who I meet and where and when and how I conduct myself around these new people. I will not allow Trump and the vile supporters who wish I'd disappear and/or die scare me away. I will become the change I want to see in the world. I will become a leader and a safe haven and I will make sure that the children I'm helping raise can think for themselves and can still be respectful and kind to others, regardless of their beliefs. Trump may have won the presidency, he may have more control over my life than I am willing to admit, but he will not deter me from being the man I am destined to be. He does not call the shots. I am my own show runner.
