Lust and Love

This really isn't what I had in mind for posting, but it's something I already had typed up. Look, folks, I'm not an expert on anything, by any means. I'm lucky I can be considered a 'novice' on Guitar Hero. Love especially is not my forte. I'm happy to talk to you and listen and give what limited, biased advice I can give. But if you don't want to hear it, don't ask.

**DISCLAIMER**

While you may be a logical human being, I am more of an emotional human being. My thoughts may seem silly or frivolous, but I've managed to have one or two people love me for my silly thoughts (and because I'm a beast in bed). #DontJudgeMe

We all want to be loved. Right? It's a universal desire, it's embedded in our DNA somewhere, it has to be. We all want to experience the butterflies, the sweaty palms, the jumbled words that fly out of our mouth because we're so nervous, the bumping of foreheads when going in for the first kiss, the sickening cuteness that follows once the relationship is defined. Okay, so maybe we don't really want that, but we want the endorphins to flow like a waterfall and we want someone to be genuinely concerned for us, we want someone who knows that one text or call from them can change our entire day.

If you tell me you don't want that, fine. You're capable of writing love off all you want, apparently, and maybe you just have been burned too many times. But I assure you, when you find The One, your opinion on everything you've ever known and ever felt and ever wanted will change. People think that when "I" becomes "We", someone is losing their identity. Not necessarily. You can be with someone and say "we" as long as you still have "I" in your vocabulary.

"We saw that movie, it was pretty good."

"We ate there, the service sucked, but the food was amazing."

"We went there last year on vacation, we can't wait to go back!"

Those are perfectly normal comments to make. It shows that you and your SO enjoy things together, as a couple. Even yet, you can have different views.

"We looked at that car. I don't think it's my style, but she likes it."

"We went to the show last week. He absolutely hated it. I thought it was amazing!"

"We want to adopt a pet, but I want a dog and she wants a bird."

There's nothing wrong with any of that! You're thinking for yourself and that matters a lot. What also matters is who you are when you're alone and who you are when you're in a group together. You should be the same person. If you're someone else, there might be a problem. But is it you, them or the friends you're with?

You need your friends, your SO needs their friends, and you can share friends. Just be careful of the friend who is "too friendly". I'm not possessive, even though I've been tagged as such. I truly don't care who you text, who you talk to, who you spend your time with…to an extent. If they're a shady character who sends you inappropriate texts or flirts with you in front of me or makes me go on the defensive because of their inappropriate comments, we have some things to discuss. Or the friend who doesn't like me so they get pouty and it's a fight for your attention. I love you, but I'm not going to fight for your attention. I'll concede and let them have your attention. I know who you're going home with at the end of the night.

I'm quite aware that nobody wants to get into my pants and I think I'm alright with my situation. Nobody needs to be in my pants, especially without a belt. That doesn't take away from the fact that I am a hopeless romantic who can tend to be on the jealous side. Is that the Taurus in me? Eh…who's to say. Maybe it's a personality flaw. But it makes me who I am, right? Or am I just a prick who really is possessive under all my sincere concern?

These are things to consider when entering a relationship. Can you (and do you) think for yourself when this person is around? Do you get jealous or possessive on a consistent basis? (If you do, why?) Can you communicate honestly and openly? Can you compromise? If you say "yes" to most of these, I think you'll be alright.

When you find The One, you know. It's in the way they kiss you, the way your whole body is immediately electrified when you see them and how you strip them naked within the first 3 seconds of getting them in the house. Lust and Love are different things. Lust, it fades. It may come back, but it's never the same. It's like that AT&T commercial that I can't stand. "You want more, and you just want more because there's less so you want more and more and your parents won't give you more so you want more." Bane of my existence. But that's lust - you just want more and more, without concern for the other person. Love is a whole creature its own.

Love takes a lot of work and a lot of sweat and a lot of time. If love is easy, if you are complacent, are you in love anymore? When you love someone, you're going to argue with them and you're going to have to compromise. You're going to have to make hard decisions as a couple and as individuals. Love, sometimes, requires a fight…just to make sure that you're still in it. But don't push your luck, or you're going to push the love away and it will be replaced with silence and resentment. And neither of those feel good. For either party.

When you are willing to pass up game night with the gang to cuddle on the couch with your girl or are willing to order wings and a pizza for the game and watch it with your guy (and actually cheer and participate), then you're in love. When you wake up every morning, feel the bed next to you hoping they're there, you're in probably love. When you go to bed without them, but you stay awake texting them until you break your nose from dropping your phone on your face too many times, you're probably in love.

Love is different for each person. It's finding someone who has a similar idea of love that keeps you together. When you can see into the future and you see the two of you sitting on the porch, drinking your iced tea and lemonade, rocking in your rocking chairs, holding hands…congratulations. You're in love. 

Resilient

So for today's blog, I tossed around a couple of ideas. Gender roles and Defining relationships. I'll be honest, talking about either of those is hard to do (for me) without getting too personal and I'm seriously not in the mood to disclose that much. Instead, let's just talk, shall we?

As you've read (I hope) in my last two posts, there's a lot of damage and carnage going on in the state of Oklahoma. I've heard, here and there, that Kansas, Missouri and Texas also had some severe weather. Apparently it wasn't as dire as ours is and hasn't made national headlines. 

If you haven't noticed, or if you don't know me, I can be quite sensitive. It's an attribute that I don't like to express, but one that is very hard for me to hide and I've spent the better part of six months trying to bring it down a few notches. Compared to this time last year, I'm about 75% as sensitive as I was before. And maybe I'm giving myself more credit than I deserve, but I'm taking it because I have made positive changes worth considering since the beginning of the year.

Sensitive or not, I am still emotional. I may have the brain of a dude, but I still have the hormones of a girl. I may not have been immediately affected by the twister, but I was changed - even minutely - by my trip to Moore to help. I'm a people-person. I love to see people face-to-face. I'll Skype or FaceTime with just about anyone (and someone Skype'd with me tonight and prompted my unpublished thoughts on "defining relationships") and I'll go out of my way to see someone who needs a hug or something. I just operate better on that level. I also internalize a lot. I probably should have stuck to financial and goods donation.

I think, to some degree, any decent human being wants to help in one way or another. People think that positive thoughts/energy and prayer isn't enough. If that's all you can offer, please, don't let up until you've given every ounce that you have to give. You'd be surprised what a smile can do for someone. A hug, even. Just because you can't physically help with debris removal doesn't mean you aren't helping. I took off a bite way too big for me to chew by trying to go out there and volunteer my man power. I don't regret it, I wouldn't change it. I wanted to, I needed to. Just because the news and people in the area told me it looked like a "war zone" doesn't mean I understood what they meant. I am a tangible thinker. I HAVE to see it, feel it, take it in for myself, to understand it. That's why math and I don't get along.

Please, if you are in another state or you are unable to lift wood and plaster and deal with the sight of baby clothes and toys and cars being strewn about like they don't even matter, keep everyone in your thoughts. Don't give up hope, because I can guarantee you that Oklahoma is not giving up hope. We are resilient. The one word people are associating with us Okies is resilient and they are absolutely right.

Unrecognizable

Devastation. Decimation. Obliteration. Carnage. Annihilation. Havoc. Chaos. Ruin. Wreckage.

These are just a few of the words that came to my mind as I drove down SE 149th street into the destruction of the May 20 tornado that hit Moore. The closer I got to the actual path of the tornado, the worse it got, obviously. It's very hard to put into words what happened. Not just to my surroundings, but what happened in me, in my head. When I found a place to park, I trekked through the rain that had just started and made my way back to the road. I saw a pair of muddy jeans by my foot that belonged to a child and that's when I realized the magnitude of what I was walking into.

It wasn't the shredded houses or the crumpled cars that got to me. It was the humanity that was strewn about. Those could have been my jeans. My pictures. My life in someone else's yard. Or in a tree, there was a lot of debris in some of the remaining trees. I had seen videos of the tornado coming within a thousand feet or so of people I know and I feared for them, but I knew they were okay. I'd seen pictures of downed power lines. Everything that I had seen on TV and from friends in Moore didn't quite register, I guess. It took actually seeing it for myself for it to be more than just pictures and videos.

It was now tangible. It was real. When the news said it was "like a war zone" they were absolutely right. It was like a bomb had gone off and it went on as far as the eye could see. Some houses had it worse than their neighbors, and there were some houses that looked like they had just been built. Surreal. It was utterly surreal and I know I walked around with a shocked look on my face.

I eventually found my way to the house I was looking for. It was interesting to see the path of destruction just go from one side of the street and then skip a bit and hit the next street harder than the street before. I just can't explain it. It was a lot to take in. There wasn't even much to do. Just search through the rubble and find things that you can salvage. Pictures, clothes, memories. You put it in bags and boxes, whatever you can.

Getting to wherever you needed to go was absolutely horrific. Having to park a mile and a half away from your destination. If you can't get to your house to get your stuff, what do you do? You don't want to leave your belongings there, especially in the rain. Do you attempt to outrun the police and sneak past them? You do what you have to do to get your stuff, that's just all there is to it. 

I don't have any pictures or videos that are going to go viral. I don't have a personal story about things that I've lost because I didn't lose anything. I did all I knew to do: I donated water to a couple different places, I tried to help and clean up a home that was ripped from end to end, I donated money via text at least three times. Why? Because I can't sit back and do nothing.

Do what you can, even if it is just positive energy/thoughts. It may seem like it's nothing, but let's be honest, it does amazing. When you share a smile with someone who has nothing left, they have something because of you. So please, whether you're able to donate money, time or supplies, remember that every little bit you give matters to someone in the middle of this chaos.

 Tornado approaching 19th from the west

 Debris along 149th 

 Approaching the neighborhood I parked in

 No words

 "TOP CHEF" caught my eye first

 SUV smashed against fallen trees

 House standing next to demolished houses

 Behind the Veterans Park

 Debris pile on corner of 4th

 Houses are ok, tree is not

 Other than that, there was no visible damage on this side of the street

 Flag across the street from the house we tried to salvage

Cars that probably don't belong there

I'm Proud

Tragedy and heartache are a part of life. That's just the way things go. It can be a harder fact to deal with when it hits close to home.
I didn't lose anything but time on May 20, 2013. I spent nearly 9 hours of the day glued to the television, searching the internet, trying to find ways I can help the Heartland. Newcastle, Moore and south OKC was hit by an EF4 tornado that was compared to the May 3, 1999 tornado that came bearing down on Moore and south OKC.
We are without power and water, we are stranded in our own homes due to debris and traffic, we are searching for loved ones, we are grieving for those whom we have never met but whom have been lost to Heaven.
This wicked twister hit two schools. One school was able to account for every student and teacher. The second school was not so lucky. All of the 4-6th graders were taken to a local church before the storm hit, but the (possible pre-k) students up to 2nd grade remained at the school. Here in Oklahoma, we get in the hallway, put our heads between our knees and cover our necks. We pray that it's nothing serious (and most of the time, it's just the sirens and maybe some wind), we think about our toys and our mommy's and daddy's. Living where I live, we sat in the hallway, pretended to have our heads between our knees for a couple of minutes before getting restless and making noise.
Tornadoes are a fact of life in Oklahoma. From the panhandle in the west to Missouri and Arkansas in the east. From the Red River to the plains of Kansas. We are no strangers to tornadoes and their devastation. Many people were here in 1999 and what did they do? They rebuilt on the very same land. They, along with the rest of us, never imagined that we would be here 14 years later. And what's going to happen in the months to come? You got it, we are going to rebuild once more.
That's what it means to be an Oklahoman. We are among the first to respond to any disaster, because we were raised on hard work and compassion. We give everything we have, no matter how little it may seem, because we were raised on giving to those in need and kindness. We take care of those who are suffering, because we were raised to be fighters and friends.
I may not live in an area of Oklahoma that gets hit by tornadoes often, but I am a born and raised Okie by almost every definition of the word. I even get the accent when I get really pissed off. Debris, darkness, rain and cold will not deter us from finding people who are waiting for our helping hand. It also won't keep us from finding the angels who have already left us so we can honor them properly.
There are a lot of things we need to change in the Midwest, in areas that are often in the path of Mother Nature's wrath. Schools need to have storm shelters - STANDARD. The "tuck-n-hide" method obviously doesn't work. Businesses need to be made out of more than aluminum and bricks. Tornado season, luckily, isn't one that everyone has to face nor does it last long. But the scars will remain for many, many years to come. Not just on our hearts, but on the land. We will not bow down to Mother Nature, we will not give up our homeland. It can be blown away, torn to shreds. Our lives may be changed forever, but we will not walk away from the place called Oklahoma.
I am an Oklahoman. And I'm damn proud of it.

Recognition in the Workplace Matters

We all need money. So we can pay bills, go see movies, eat, have a roof over our heads, means of transportation. Everyone needs money so they can do the things they need to do and want to do. Trying to make ends meet can be hard for the average American as is, but try being trans and being passed up for a promotion you're obviously qualified for or being frowned upon during an interview because the manager doesn't know how to address you. I've had both happen to me. One while I was still employed under my birth name, the other obviously after my name change.

There was a point in time where I considered joining the military because my grandpa and mom were in the military. I thought of joining the Army. It obviously didn't happen, for many reasons, but I've always supported our troops. I may not agree with the agenda that our military has, but the men and women fighting for our freedoms matter to me. I've heard a lot of crap spewing from people about a RETIREE who had her gender changed on her paperwork at the Pentagon.

She changed her name in the state of California after having her surgery and wanted her paperwork to match. This is "the first time" that a member of the military, retiree or active, has been acknowledged positively. If you're an active member and come out as transgender, you will be discharged. Sound familiar? Gay, lesbian and bi-sexual members have been openly allowed to serve since 2011 only. It's going to be a while before transgender men and women are allowed to openly serve.

Equality for transgender is very important. It's not going to go away. There are going to be trans people regardless of their acceptance. You think gay people have only been around since the 50s? Did you know that you can be fired in 29 states for being gay? It's also "legal to fire someone" for being transgender in 34 states. Not only is it incredibly difficult for me to get a job (when there are TONS of jobs in my area available), but I can get fired from a job simply because of who I am?

We work to provide for our families, for ourselves, to go on vacations, to buy groceries, to take care of our pets, to ensure our cars run properly. Things that are very important to our every day living. And a lot of us work in jobs that we may not love, but we enjoy simply because of our co-workers. We make money and put it back into the economy. Yet we get ridiculed for trying to make the world a better place, for making our bodies match our minds, for loving someone, for simply being honest about who we are?

When we lose our jobs for these reasons, we also stop putting as much into our economy, we lose faith in establishments for being so abrasive, and in my case, we lose a little bit of faith in society. It's time that faith be restored, and every little step in the right direction matters.

Resources: 

"Pentagon recognizes transgender service members for first time in 'symbolic' move for LGBT community", Mail Online, Helen Pow, 2013

     http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2325737/Autumn-Sandeen-Pentagon-recognizes-transgender-service-members-time-symbolic-LGBT-community.html

"29 States Can Fire You For Being Gay. Is Your State One Of Them?", Human Rights Campaign via upworthy.com, Rebecca Eisenberg and Martha Pettit, 2013

     http://www.upworthy.com/29-states-can-fire-you-for-being-gay-is-your-state-one-of-them