Support: Part Two

Watch my video on helping friends support you here.

I tried to make the second part of the series about support from friends and outside sources from your family. There are so many ways to support a trans person, so I kept it short and hit on the points that really made a difference for me...and that mattered.

1. Self educate yourself.
1. If you're trying to support someone (whether they be gay, bi, trans, cis, depressed, suffer from PTSD) the very best thing you can do is educate yourself. Use your tools: the internet, the library, groups. If you take the time to learn for yourself, your friend will see that you care about them and want to support them
2. Ask questions.
1. Asking questions means you have a general knowledge, but want to know how the situation affects your friend specifically. When someone asks me questions, I'm 9 times out of 10 very eager to answer them. Knowing that you are concerned enough to ask intelligent questions makes me trust you a little bit more and appreciate your friendship tenfold.
3. Have respect for privacy. And in general.
1. In the event that I'm asked a deeply personal question that I'm not ready to talk about, I will decline to answer. When I have an answer that I'm comfortable with sharing (sometimes that 'when' becomes an 'if') I will initiate the conversation again and provide that answer. If your question is just ridiculous and unnecessary, I'm going to chew you out for it. Don't be rude, don't be nosey. Have respect for me as a person and my privacy and I will respect you exactly the same. If you have a trans friend, specifically, be kind and refer to them as their identified gender. If you forget or can't handle switching the pronouns, just use their chosen name. I LOVE to hear my name, so I'm less bothered when my friends slip up because most of them slip in my name instead of "he" or "she". I LOVE YOU GUYS!
4. Don't assume you know everything.
1. You don't. If you've never suffered from PTSD, you don't know why triggers work the way they do or how a trigger even becomes a trigger. If you're into the opposite sex only, when you meet someone who is bi and likes both sexes, you may not understand how that is possible. When you assume, you just make an ass out of yourself because you're allowing yourself to look stupid more than ignorant of the facts.
5. Treat them the same.
1. If you treat someone different just because you find out their situation, you may need to reconsider why you're their friend. Losing friends sucks, but it's a fact of life. If someone you know is depressed and you start treating them different (in a negative manner), it doesn't help them any. If you're going to belittle them, make them feel like an outcast, then you need to move on with yourself and never come back. If you don't care enough about your friend to help them or treat them better than you were before, then you need to at least have respect and walk away before making them feel even worse about themselves.

That's really it. If you can do these five simple things, you will increase your value in somebody's life at least double. People sometimes lose family because of their situation. I have been fortunate to gain more friends and seen relationships strengthen and grow because of my ability to be open and honest. Also, because my friends have enough respect for me to at least try and use masculine pronouns, I have much more respect for them. You'd be so surprised what that tiny gesture can do to a person who is trans.

Support: Part One

Watch my video on gaining support from your family here.

Support is utterly important. I'm going to try and focus on the support of family since I got off topic in my video and talked a little more about the support from society.

I came out to my mother when I was 19. I came out to my father when I was 22. Unfortunately, my father didn't live long enough to see me become Colby. He didn't even know I had chosen a name. Part of me regrets that, but part of me also knows that one of the reasons I fight so hard for equality and trans rights is because I didn't learn from him everything I had hoped I would. He may not have won Dad of the Year awards and he may not have always been an active dad in the lives of his children, but for the last 10 years of his life, he tried harder (at least from my prospective) than he had in the last 20-30 years of his children's lives. 

I will honestly say that I have not been shunned or turned away by my family because of who I am...at least not vocally. There has never been a conversation with any of my siblings, aunts, uncles or cousins that specifically stated because of my "lifestyle" they want nothing to do with me. I have assumed as much, to be honest, but I can neither confirm nor deny such an assumption.

In the beginning, my mom went to a couple PFLAG meetings with me held at a local church (St. Stephen's Methodist Church) where I came in contact with my first transwoman. Her name is Elizabeth. Shortly after meeting her, she and her fiance/wife moved to Utah to start over and create a chapter of PFLAG there. After that, I pretty much did everything on my own. I did my own research, my own coming of age if you will. I didn't have a role model, no solid male to shadow, no trans friends to help me transition. I did it all by myself.

My mom and I were open with each other. She asked questions, she quietly let me know of her concerns and told me she would do what she could to support me. I can't be sure how my siblings found out. After being in an accident in 2012, I lost my memory back to 2008 and those conversations just aren't in my memory bank anymore. I do remember explaining it to my youngest brother one night when he straight up asked me if I was a lesbian. I figured that he was 10, he asked and I wasn't about to lie to him. I don't remember how he took it because it probably never came up. I've only seen him a handful of times since then, and haven't talked to him in over a year, but it's not due to me being me. 

My older brother Jeff has known since I was 20 because he went on a trip with me to Virginia and we had the discussion. It was the first time I had told anyone outside of my mom how I really felt. He knew, but then again, he's just intuitive like that. Maybe it helped that he and I are so much alike. My brother Mike, also older, has never had any problems with it. His main issue is the name. And I get that. I would rather have my family want to call me CJ and accept me for who I am than to completely disown me or disrespect me on all levels. My older brothers have been very accepting and very helpful in making me feel comfortable and even, whether they know it or not, being role models in their own ways.

Family also extends beyond the realm of blood. I have some friends who have been considered to be part of my family since junior high. Basically, if you know my mom and you call her Ma or Mom, you're family. When you start to come over just to see her and not because of something we are doing, you're family. With my friends who are like family, they may sometimes stumble with the masculine pronouns, but they almost always catch themselves and fix it or just throw "Colby" in to make it right. I love them and I adore them for that. It shows so much respect and the fact that they are trying that hard makes me want to love them even harder than I already do.

You may not always have support like I have. And if you don't, it's okay. You are better than that. You deserve support and respect and love. If you aren't getting it, contact me and I'll be there. I've done it on my own - by choice - and it was not easy. I wish I had been more honest growing up, once I realized there was a name for what I was feeling inside. I wish I had reached out more and sooner because things may have been different for me. Your family may not understand and I know how hard it can be to be patient with them, but you have to. A lot of time, they feel that they're losing their son/daughter and it takes a while to realize that they are gaining a happier, healthier son/daughter when you are able to be who you truly are and when you are finally comfortable in your own skin. Be you. Own it. Own it hard.

What's in a Name?

I have started doing videos now. I believe I informed you all of that in my last blog, but I don't ave a transcript for my most recent video. As you can tell between the two, the first was scripted and the second was not. I'm hoping to develop my style and my ability to talk as if I'm talking with friends when I do them. Here's what I need though: IDEAS. Things to talk about, questions to answer. Anything. I want it to be more of an adventure we take together than solely a look into the life of a trans person. So, please, comment on my videos, message me on facebook/twitter, call me, text me...just be a part of this amazing adventure we should go on together. Own it. Own it hard. Watch my latest video. 

Names. What's in a name besides consonants, vowels and maybe the occasional punctuation. It's very important to pick a name that is you, that fits who you are and who you want to be. I picked Colby because it fit better than the other names I played around with for at least 4 years. I settled on James for my middle name because of my grandfather. He was a hero of mine when I was growing up. I really wanted to be like him when I grew up. And an unknown fact: Richardson comes from Anita, the woman he was married to when my mom was adopted. I didn't like the way Colby sounded with Burns (my dad's last name) or Garner (my mom's last name) so I went for a name that goes back to the beginning of my lineage that fits and made sense to me. I liked the initials CJR better, too. CoJaRi Productions also sounds a lot better to me. :)

Everyone sees and hears and remembers and associates names differently. I didn't choose James as a first name because James ALWAYS reminds me of James and the Giant Peach and takes me back to when I was 10 and visited my dad in Kansas for the first time. Not a bad memory, but not one I want to think of every single time I hear my name. When I hear the name Colby, I think of myself. I think of the moment that I saw my name written out for the first time by myself, again when I got my social security card, the first piece of mail I got...and I remember the first time anyone called me Colby...and the first time I heard my full name. Names mean different things to everyone. To me, Colby means loyalty, honesty, humor, sincerity, challenge, love, friendship, strength, courage, independence, crazy, adventure, family, determination. Colby means Me.

16 States and More -video-

The following is the transcript from my vblog titled "16 States and More" published 06.20.2013

If you'd like to watch the video, please click here.

I love you, my orange peanuts. Until next time. 

"Let every man be respected as an individual and no man idolized." - Albert Einstein

Hey guys. It's Colby here. I just wanted to do my first video today and get the ball rolling on this video blog and everything like that. Today we're gonna talk about Transgender Non-discrimination facts. This may get a bit political as I'm a little bit passionate about it and I'll probably get off topic, but I'll do my best to reign myself in, alright? Don't judge me.

As you may know, a few days ago, Governor Markell of Delaware signed a transgender nondiscrimination act that will prohibit discrimination stemming from bias based on gender identity. This is an awesome accomplishment for the trans community. Adding Delaware to the list of 16 states, including Washington DC, to sign something similar. With bills like this, a trans person cannot be discriminated against when it comes to housing, public accommodations, insurance and employment. Employment and insurance are HUGE steps in which the trans community is trying to make changes to right now. That's not to say that public accommodations, housing, school, credit, things like that aren't as important. But these two things are what the trans community really, really needs right now. We just, we have to have it. I know there's been a lot of opposition for it. For example, many opponents called this the "Bathroom Bill" and were upset about the safety of women and children. I get that, I mean, I do. But as a general rule, trans are not  sexually deviant. They're not generally rapist or things like that. In fact, a lot of them are rape victims of some kind, or some kind of abuse. THat's not for everybody, but, in the experience and the social networking that i've done, that kinda tends to be the case. Here's the thing though: Trans people don't want to molest people just because they want to be the opposite sex. When I used the men's bathroom in the Denver airport, it wasn't to look at a guy or anything like that, it was because I had to go to the bathroom. I was about to board a three and a half hour flight to Charlotte. I'm not going to use the lavatory on a plane because they're tiny and I'm claustrophobic. I just don't want to go there. On to support for things like this. I'm really glad to see Beau Biden, who is the son of Joe Biden, coming out as a strong supporter. We need more support and we need more vocal support that can actually make things happen. It's nice to have celebrities support trans equality like they do gay equality, but at the end of the day, what we need is we need society to support us and we need politicians to support us because they're the ones that make things happen. My mom is not a die-hard conservative, but she certainly is more conservative than I am. But she supports me. She supports my rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. She wants me to get married, she wants me to have a family and God only knows how many nights she has stayed awake worrying about me, wondering if I'm okay, hoping that I am strong enough to face the hardships that I have to face by being a trans person. Everybody needs that support and if society were just a little more lenient - which I think we're going in that direction. We're going in the right direction where laws like this won't need to be made. A straight man can walk into a bathroom and not worry is he breaking the law? He can go into a mens bathroom. For me, I identify as a guy. Why do I fear going into a bathroom? I shouldn't have that fear. I shouldn't be afraid of someone beating me up. I don't necessarily have that fear, but I am afraid of getting caught because of what society is going to think of me. They're going to think "What a sicko" "What a freak" and if you know me, you know that's not me. I'm wayyy off topic. Let's get back on track. Sorry about that. 

Little tidbit I don't think many people know: Federal courts from the 1970s through the 1990s generally denied sex-discrimination claims brought by transgender people? Completely denied. Shut down. Not acknowledged as a matter worth dealing with. Within the 16 states that provide protection against - or protection for - transgender people, "gender identity" is a protected characteristic. Which basically means that however your identify, you're protected. That covers… what are the 16 states? CO, CA, DE, HI, IL, IA, MD, ME, MN, NM, NJ, NC, OR, RI, VT, WA, DC. I think that's 17. I counted on my fingers, that's 17. Now, that's what's in all of them. And they're all a little different, which is good. It kind of suits the need of the state which is very important. Now, in CO, IL, MN, ME, OR, WA laws prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation, and include gender identity or expression which I think is awesome. Because no matter how you relate, whether you're gay, straight or whatever, you're still protected. Which is definitely a step in the right direction. Rock on to those states. CA goes a little bit farther to protect trans people by including gender identity within the statutory definition of sex. So, if I lived in CA, I would be, in the eyes of the law, a man. I may not  - and I'm not sure if that means if you've had your surgery or not, but my interpretation because of how I identify. Which, rock on. According to the National Center for Lesbian Rights, NCLR; CA, CO, DE IL, IA, ME, MN, NJ, NM, OR, RI, VT, DC and Washington state prohibit discrimination against employment. Why I like this law is because it can help a trans person not only get a job but KEEP a job once they get it. If you start a job as one sex, like for example if I started a job as Megan, I could transition into Colby and I would not be discriminated against for that. Which, is something that Oklahoma doesn't have but they need. I've been through that and it's not a comfortable thing to go through. This law can even protect them so they can even use the restroom consistent with their gender at work. I could've used the mens bathroom, not that I would have wanted to, but that's what you can do. Which is really cool. And I've noticed, filling out applications, that there are many places that do not even ask for your gender anymore. You can offer that information, it's completely optional. I'm not sure if that's a federal law that's going out or if it's companies just adapting to that. It's pretty cool, I like that. I can walk into a place and be like "Hey, I'm Colby" and maybe they can tell form my voice that I'm not on hormones, maybe not. It doesn't really matter because at the end of the day, I am who I am. My gender does not tell you or does not define how good of an employee I will be. I think it's very important to have that kind of protection. more in the workplace than society. I would rather be protected more at work than I would at an airport. I think the reason ro that being is because so much of our lives are centered around our jobs, our careers. And if I'm not in a safe environment, I don't think I want to work there. It's very important to me. 

I guess that's really all that I have. I just wanna close by saying I am a person. I deserve to be treated as such. Unless I'm a complete douchebag to you, then you can't treat me like a douchebag. I feel like with these laws that is taking a lot of the judgment away. Because I know that my presence as a trans person - my presence in general because I don't identify as a trans person, I identify as a man and I have for many years. I'm a man and my presence in society is not hindering your quality of life in any way. It's not hindering anybody's quality of life at all. All I'm doing is the same thing that everybody else is doing. I have hopes, I have dreams. I want to get married, have a family, have a career that I love, I want the American dream. And I'm an American. I get - I have the right - to earn that. When I'm being discriminated against, that makes it a lot harder. On the wayside, that makes it a lot more gratifying when I do accomplish something. But I just want to be able to do something without having to go through 30 hoops when a "normal" person only has to go through two. Why should I be forced to go through more, be forced to prove more of who I am to somebody? It's none of your business. 

I'm done. Thank you for watching. Like. Share. Comment. Do nothing. Whatever you want. But walk away with this one thing: Just know, that no matter what, I love you. 

Resources:

"Delaware Governor Markell Signs Transgender Nondiscrimination Act", The New Civil Rights Movement, Jean Ann Esselink, 2013

     http://thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/delaware-governor-markell-signs-transgender-nondiscrimination-act/legislation/2013/06/19/69092

"State by State Guide to Laws That Prohibit Discrimination Against Transgender People", National Center for Lesbian Rights, 2010

     http://www.nclrights.org/site/DocServer/StateLawsThatProhibitDiscriminationAgainstTransPeople.pdf?docID=7821

Father's Day -weekend edition-

Sunday, June 15, 2008

My dad went into the hospital for a routine surgery. It was Father's Day. Per usual, I got him a card and went to see him. Cards were our way of communicating. He was the perfect card-picker for me. We had a good heart-to-heart convo and I told him to let go, that we would take care of him. Little did I know that I wouldn't talk to my father again. 

Monday, June 16, 2008

I missed seeing him that day. Promised I'd visit him but I didn't make it to the hospital. I didn't call either; got up and went to work. I was content knowing I'd see him on Tuesday.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

I called in to work that day. My Uncle Gene had called and told me Pops was sick. I didn't realize the severity of the situation until I got to the hospital. He wasn't the dad I had just two days earlier. He had jaundice, MRSA and was stuck in a time where I wasn't in his life. My sister, whom is now 24, was his main focus. He asked where Kimmy was. I won't lie, my heart broke. We all gathered, my the youngest four children (myself, Matt, Kim, and John), at the hospital during the day. I went home to eat and rest as visiting hours were over before I got the call. 

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

In the very early hours of Wednesday, probably around midnight or shortly later, Stormy the nurse called and informed me that my dad had passed. I called my one and only sister and informed her. I then called my best friend Kesha and she was an angel and met me and my mom at the hospital where we were going to collect his stuff. It was not easy. Seeing my dad there, looking like he was asleep, completely unresponsive to my very desperate plea to wake up. I went into deflect mode. From that point on, I focused on everything else besides his absence. I helped my two uncles plan the funeral. I went with Jeff, Kim and John to get flowers. I truly don't recall if the viewing was Wednesday or Thursday. But I went. And it was not a sad or defining moment. I was very removed, even joked around with my sister and Kesha a little. I have maybe three friends who met my dad. Kesha, Emily Schat Zoll and Chad. Chad may have been the only one to meet him while he was living. 

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I learned how to tie a tie this day. Kesha taught me for the funeral. We had picked out a nice shirt and tie, my uncle and I, for Pops to wear. He wasn't a tie wearing guy. Give him a red or blue t-shirt and a grill, something to fix, elephants or a fishing pole and he was happy. So, since he was dressed in something that wasn't him, I decided to dress in a tie. Which was not me at the time. I told my younger brother Matt "I love you" for the first time in my 22 years of living. I saw him, our dad - my dad - and I broke down. But, even though I don't share the same last name, the same blood still courses through my veins. Pulled myself together, got through the service and took solace with my family and friends the rest of the day. 

If I could have a talk with my dad one more time, I'd thank him for trying. For being honest with me and for letting me see him cry. I'd tell him that I love him, always did, always will. We would talk a little about sports, I'd boast about my grilling skills, I'd tell him about my relationships and how much happier I am now that I have made the social changes I have to be Colby. I'd then tell him my name and why I picked it. Tell him that of I ever adopt, I'm going to do all I can to name my son Thomas Lynn, after him. I'd hug him, even ask for a kiss on the cheek so I can feel that rough yet comforting beard on my cheek. We would talk about fishing and elephants and I'd show him pictures of the last five years. I'd ask him what laundry detergent he used so I can remember what he smells like. And when he has to go, I'd tell him I love and I'll miss him. I'd record the whole conversation so I'd never forget his voice again. I'd thank my dad for being my dad and for loving me even when I broke his heart. 

It's not the same without you, but I still look at cards and think of you. Happy Father's Day. I love you, Pops. 

Changes and Adventures

No real post for today, ladies and gents. Today, I embark on new and exciting adventures. One in film editing. I'm going to test my hand at YouTube videos that closely align to my blog. I considered making another facebook profile, one for a public figure or something...but have decided against that. I will, instead, allow followers on my personal page. Anything that's public, they can see. So...it's kinda like the people I have blocked so I'm not too worried about it.
I'm nervous, excited, tired and weary. This is not something I do well. Change, being in front of the camera, taking on responsibility. But it occurred to me through a dream this weekend: I want to do something big. And I've always known that, but I'm garnering the courage to at least try. The hope that I have for all of this is to someday be a person of stature who can bring awareness and education to trans* issues because I don't want there to be a definition or label. I'm as much of a man as my brothers are. The only difference is I don't have the physical makeup they do. But I'm still a man, I'm still a person.
I had a very nice conversation/debate earlier this week about the labels that society places on people and the varying opinions that are out there and it just further fueled a fire that has been inside me since I was in high school. I hope that my blog and YouTube channel will be places of sanctuary and resources that people feel they can use for whatever positive growth they need. Encouragement, friendship, education, advice...things that I had to discover on my own and wait until my mid-20s to really have from society.
I'm hoping you all go on this journey with me. I'm aware that "you all" is a very small number, but maybe someday in the not-so-distant future, that number of 3 or 4 will expand to 20 or 30 and continue to grow. Here's to the future we all deserve.

Rewriting the Rules

Just a little note here. I don't do my research like I should and I tend to get busy so writing every day isn't going to happen. Expect a new post every other day. Monday, Wednesday and Friday or Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday (or Sunday). I'll find a consistent work habit at some point in time, I promise.

I've written about how trans people are not allowed in the military. I have a feeling, after the article about the retired Navy servicewoman whose gender was successfully changed from male to female, that there are an untold number of transgender people in the military just waiting for the right time to "come out". The higher up you are in the military, the longer you've been in the military and the branch of service all plays a part in how honest and open you feel you can be during and after you are active. Kristin Beck is now a hero of mine for two reasons: Serving my country for 20 years and for being so open about her transition after being a Navy SEAL.

It's so hard to not be who you want to be. Turning it off "like a light switch" is no easy task, I don't care who you are. Gay, straight, trans, cis, asexual, pansexual - whatever you identify as, you can only deny who you are for so long. Don't Ask Don't Tell prohibited gays from being honest about their sexual preference until 2011. The current policy completely bans transgender people. All it takes is one person to set something into motion. One idea, one desire to be true to yourself in the public eye.

We see this apparent in more than the military. Not to downplay the immense courage it takes to come out to family and loved ones as transgender. To be in the public eye has got to be so daunting and so "vexing". Every story is as unique as the names we select. Some of us pick names that can translate across genders as androgynous: Alex, Sam, Jamie. Some of us pick names that can be feminized/masculinized: Christopher and Kristen, Phillip and Phyllis, Brianna and Brian. Nicknames are easier that way. There are others, like myself, who completely change it up. I went from Megan to Colby. I have a friend who went from Andrew to Jennifer. It's almost like naming a child. I'll admit it: I heard my full name from someone other than myself for the first time since legally changing it in March and it was amazing. I knew at that moment that the struggle and fear and insecurities and journey was absolutely worth it. 

We have Jason Collins who has been deemed the "first openly gay" basketball player. Being gay is intense, when in the public eye. However, that's only because of the inconsiderate bigots who can't stand to support human rights. What the hell, really? Balian Buschbaum, the former German pole vaulter, has got to be one of the most attractive men I've EVER seen. He was born a she. So amazing. To go from the Olympics to "Let's Dance" (which is Germany's "Dancing With The Stars") in such a handsome, seemingly-flawless fashion is inspiration. He has the kind of transition we all wish for. And the results we'd kill for.

What I don't understand is why there is more "tolerance and acceptance" in professional sports than in our own military, in our own society. There's insensitivity and fear in every day society (you and me) because we aren't famous. Why is that? We should be more accepted due to the fact that we don't have hundreds or thousands of people looking up to us as role models. And you and I both know that not all of the people who come out as gay or transgender want to be a role model. Personally, I hope that there will come a time when I can be a role model on a much bigger stage than within my own personal life. I love how it was put in an article about NFL players potentially coming out. "Perhaps some day in the future, a player's sexuality won't even be a big story anymore"

It's my hope that some day, being gay or transgender won't matter. We will simply be human beings with all the rights we deserve. 

Resources: 

"The Latest Navy Seal Book Could Impact the Military's Transgender Rules", The Atlantic Wire, J.K. Trotter, 2013

     http://www.theatlanticwire.com/national/2013/06/transgender-navy-seal-memoir/65823/

"Transgender Navy SEAL 'Warrior Princess' Comes Out", ABC News/Advanced Press, Lee Ferran, 2013

     http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/transgender-navy-seal-warrior-princess/story?id=19314231#.Ua2M51v71WI

Balian Buschbaum bio, wikipedia

     http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Balian_Buschbaum

"Roger Goodell: Gay NFL player 'will be accepted'", Around The League, Gregg Rosenthal, 2013

     http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap1000000168350/article/roger-goodell-gay-nfl-player-will-be-accepted

Images:

http://www.theatlanticwire.com/national/2013/06/transgender-navy-seal-memoir/65823/

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/dc-sports-bog/files/2013/04/CROP_jason_collins_SI_cover.jpg

http://www.welt.de/img/sport/crop114207915/7378727734-ci3x2l-w620/Aus-Yvonne-wird-Balian-Buschbaum-verabschiedet-sich-in-neues-Leben.jpg

http://25.media.tumblr.com/88312966bf219f1a0ae51ab3ae7c1895/tumblr_mf1due1MuI1s0wggmo1_400.jpg