Support: Part One

Watch my video on gaining support from your family here.

Support is utterly important. I'm going to try and focus on the support of family since I got off topic in my video and talked a little more about the support from society.

I came out to my mother when I was 19. I came out to my father when I was 22. Unfortunately, my father didn't live long enough to see me become Colby. He didn't even know I had chosen a name. Part of me regrets that, but part of me also knows that one of the reasons I fight so hard for equality and trans rights is because I didn't learn from him everything I had hoped I would. He may not have won Dad of the Year awards and he may not have always been an active dad in the lives of his children, but for the last 10 years of his life, he tried harder (at least from my prospective) than he had in the last 20-30 years of his children's lives. 

I will honestly say that I have not been shunned or turned away by my family because of who I am...at least not vocally. There has never been a conversation with any of my siblings, aunts, uncles or cousins that specifically stated because of my "lifestyle" they want nothing to do with me. I have assumed as much, to be honest, but I can neither confirm nor deny such an assumption.

In the beginning, my mom went to a couple PFLAG meetings with me held at a local church (St. Stephen's Methodist Church) where I came in contact with my first transwoman. Her name is Elizabeth. Shortly after meeting her, she and her fiance/wife moved to Utah to start over and create a chapter of PFLAG there. After that, I pretty much did everything on my own. I did my own research, my own coming of age if you will. I didn't have a role model, no solid male to shadow, no trans friends to help me transition. I did it all by myself.

My mom and I were open with each other. She asked questions, she quietly let me know of her concerns and told me she would do what she could to support me. I can't be sure how my siblings found out. After being in an accident in 2012, I lost my memory back to 2008 and those conversations just aren't in my memory bank anymore. I do remember explaining it to my youngest brother one night when he straight up asked me if I was a lesbian. I figured that he was 10, he asked and I wasn't about to lie to him. I don't remember how he took it because it probably never came up. I've only seen him a handful of times since then, and haven't talked to him in over a year, but it's not due to me being me. 

My older brother Jeff has known since I was 20 because he went on a trip with me to Virginia and we had the discussion. It was the first time I had told anyone outside of my mom how I really felt. He knew, but then again, he's just intuitive like that. Maybe it helped that he and I are so much alike. My brother Mike, also older, has never had any problems with it. His main issue is the name. And I get that. I would rather have my family want to call me CJ and accept me for who I am than to completely disown me or disrespect me on all levels. My older brothers have been very accepting and very helpful in making me feel comfortable and even, whether they know it or not, being role models in their own ways.

Family also extends beyond the realm of blood. I have some friends who have been considered to be part of my family since junior high. Basically, if you know my mom and you call her Ma or Mom, you're family. When you start to come over just to see her and not because of something we are doing, you're family. With my friends who are like family, they may sometimes stumble with the masculine pronouns, but they almost always catch themselves and fix it or just throw "Colby" in to make it right. I love them and I adore them for that. It shows so much respect and the fact that they are trying that hard makes me want to love them even harder than I already do.

You may not always have support like I have. And if you don't, it's okay. You are better than that. You deserve support and respect and love. If you aren't getting it, contact me and I'll be there. I've done it on my own - by choice - and it was not easy. I wish I had been more honest growing up, once I realized there was a name for what I was feeling inside. I wish I had reached out more and sooner because things may have been different for me. Your family may not understand and I know how hard it can be to be patient with them, but you have to. A lot of time, they feel that they're losing their son/daughter and it takes a while to realize that they are gaining a happier, healthier son/daughter when you are able to be who you truly are and when you are finally comfortable in your own skin. Be you. Own it. Own it hard.