Common Misconceptions

Watch the video on this topic here.

I get it. We all misunderstand things from time to time and, often, it's not a big deal. But when you judge someone or a group of people based off these misconceptions, things get sticky. These are some of the biggest misconceptions I've noticed against the transgender community.

1. Trans guys are lesbians if they date women.
1. Not always true. I was born a woman and see myself as a man. When it comes to dating, I prefer to date women thus making me straight.
2. Trans guys dislike female anatomy.
1. Not always true. As previously mentioned, I prefer women (implying I appreciate their anatomy...which I sure do) Gender and sexuality are not one in the same. Not all gay men are repulsed by female anatomy. It just depends on previous experience, expectations, desire and personality.
3. Transgender people are mentally ill.
1. As of 2010, being transgender is no longer a mental illness. It is considered Gender Dysphoria. Anxiety is not a mental illness and neither is depression, but they are two aspects of being transgender that are extremely common, moreso than in the general public.
4. Trans guys are white.
1. Not true! There are a lot of white trans men, but that doesn't mean it is exclusive to any race or races. Transgender people range from every continent to every class to every race. It's not something that clings to one area of the universe like a disease. It's as natural and indiscriminate as having blue eyes.

There will be a SECOND video and a SECOND blog post for this topic as I had a lot more to say than expected. Stay tuned!

What it's Like Dating a Trans Man (Transcript)

So, a while back, I asked you guys for your questions on what it's like to date a trans guy. There were some interesting questions asked and every question was answered. We broke up the responses into two videos (part one, part two -must be watched on computer-).
I'd like to thank you guys for asking sensitive and thoughtful questions and I hope you got valuable answers. I'd also like to thank Rachel for taking the time and he willingness to answer.
In case you aren't able to watch them, here is the transcript.

Do you consider yourself straight or gay since your partner is a natural-born female? Straight

Does him being trans make you question your own sexuality? No

What are some of the challenges you've faced? (what are some of your struggles dating a trans guy?) What's the most difficult part of dating a trans guy? Being open with my family

Would you ever consider breaking up with your boyfriend for someone less complicated (a natural-born male?) No

What is the most important thing you have learned since being with a trans man?  Respect? Cuz you should have it with everyone regardless of whatever. The struggle comes when people choose a "different life path" than "normal"

How has your perspective on equal rights changed  since being romantically involved with a transgender man? No

What qualities do you think it takes to be with a trans person? The same qualities it takes to be with any person? Maybe a stronger will, patience, courage...if you're looking at it from the outside worlds perspective of it not being "normal".

What are the differences in dating a natural male vs. a transgender guy? Physical body parts

Do you two ever get  offended with each other because you think too much like women? No

If you think longterm together, how do you see the family dynamic? Would you have kids together? Who would carry the baby? Would you tell them the whole story when they got older? Husband/wife. Father/mother.  Maybe on kids..depends on age. I would carry. Yes

Does the prospect of your partner having surgery scare you? Yes, just as any surgery would. Complications etc are always a possibility with major surgery.

Would you rather your partner keep their same body or have surgery? I would like my partner to do whatever makes him happy and comfortable and keeps him healthy

Would you leave your partner if the surgery was unsuccessful or didn't end up as hoped? No

Are you included in the decisions pertaining to his future transitioning? Where do you stand on hormones and surgery? Yes. It's not for me, it's all for him. I support whatever he needs to be happy.

Do you get uncomfortable when your partner is called ma'am and the like? Yes, it's not natural.

Do you and your guy talk about his struggles? Mostly, there are times when he wants to work through things on his own and isn't ready to talk. It doesn't do any good to push, supporting and patience...communication is key in a relationship.

When you first met, did you think your guy was a girl? Girl bc we met at work where he was

required to use his legal name which was female. Without a name, I assumed guy.

Would you have known your guy was transgendered if he hadn't told you? Yes

How did you initially handle the news? Already knew

Are you willing to give him shots for the rest of his life? Yes

Binding and Passing

My latest video will be up later today, but I want to get this out as soon as possible because the NEXT video depends solely on YOU!! The CoJaRi team wants to answer YOUR questions that you may have on what it's like to date someone who is trans. Do you want to know if their views on equality change? Do you want to know what the hardest part of dating a trans person is? Whatever your question, we want to answer it. Feel free to comment here or the video, message me on facebook, text or email me, do whatever you need to get my attention and we will do our best to answer all the questions we receive. 

Legend: T is Testosterone. Pre-T is Pre-testosterone. Pre-op is Pre-operation.

On to binding and passing. Binding is a very useful tool when trying to pass or assimilate to living as a male. There are multiple combinations of good binding out there, it all depends on preference, cost and chest size. I use a binder that has a compressive front and a mesh back to wick away sweat when I get hot. You can get them, most commonly, in three styles: sports bra, midsection and tanktop. You can also get one that secures by velcro, zipper or pullover. I personally wear a tanktop because it's more my style and fits my body type better. You can also wear a sports bra and then layer shirts, most tight to most loose. Be careful to not overheat yourself with the layering method.

A couple of other ways people try to bind, especially in the beginning or when they don't have the resources to get a proper binder, is to use duct tape and/or Ace bandages. I've used both and they hurt like hell. You can get them both way too tight and it becomes difficult to move and breathe. Duct tape can rip layers of skin off, even when you peel it off slowly. With any binder, if it is too tight and worn for extended periods of time (longer than 8 hours or so per most websites), liquid can form on your lungs and cause many health issues. You'll have labored breathing, need to have the fluid drained if it doesn't go away on its own, and permanent breathing issues. There can also be bad bruising on your ribs.

Passing is 98% confidence. Whatever you project into the world is what people will pick up on and acknowledge. Be comfortable, confident and yourself and you have down the majority of passing, with or without T. I don't take T, but I am able to grow facial hair. I know it's a huge part of how I identify. When I shave, I feel naked and look really young. We convey who we are and sometimes our happiness is attached to how well we pass when we are pre-T and pre-op.

Growing up, my best friend was a boy so I learned from the age of four how young boys acted. As a teenager, I observed how guys acted, talked and used their body language. It wasn't necessarily easy to imitate a guy's mannerisms, but I worked on it best I could. It's the best way I can recall learning how to pass on my own. Some guys choose to not pass, they're happy with their body and they don't want to grow facial hair or other masculine features. 

Transitioning is different for every person. Own your transition and be proud of where you've come from. When you free your mind of doubt and insecurities, you'll see so many open doors and happiness coming your way.


Resources:
Hudson's Guide: FTM Binding: Creating a Male-Looking Chest
     http://www.ftmguide.org/binding.html

The Art of Transition, FTM Transition -- 5 Chest Binding Methods, posted by Alex, September 2012
     http://theartoftransition.net/ftm-transition-5-chest-binding-methods/

The Art of Transition, Top 8 Chest Binding Dangers  FTM Transition, posted by Alex, September 2012
     http://theartoftransition.net/chest-binding-dangers-ftm-transition/

wikihow, How to Pass As a Male (For FTMs)
     http://www.wikihow.com/Pass-As-a-Male-(For-FTMs)

Places to buy/research binders:
http://ftm.underworks.com/
http://www.lesloveboat.com/shop/index.php

Support: Part Three

Watch my video here.

I'm sorry for the delay. It's been a busy weekend. I've completed the videos for this series, now I'll complete the blog for this series.

One must be able to rely on their own innate ability to care for their own well-being. Being strong of mind and body helps you to be strong financially and otherwise. It helps you take care of yourself and be independent. Having friends and family around to care for you is wonderful and sometimes a luxury. But the confidence one gains when they are aware they can take care of themselves is very empowering. I think, at times, we underestimate how important we are to ourselves. I know I discredit myself a lot more than I should. I have skills, love, confidence, happiness and knowledge I can share with the world.

However, sometimes I'm not always able to see those good parts in me. I think that we all struggle with that at times. All we need to do is realize our worth. Realize that we have everything we need inside ourselves. Encouragement is necessary at times, yes, but if we are unable to dig deep and find the strength and courage we need, we can accomplish so many great things.

Relying on myself has been a struggle, but something I have yearned for since I was young. Wanting to get my own drinks as a kid, to driving myself to wherever I needed to go as a teenager, to wanting to move out of my mom's house. I've always been antsy, unable to patiently wait for others. It's not them I get frustrated with. I believe it's part of a projection I send out because I don't want to be late, I don't want to be the hold up for a group of people. So, I've done what I can to better myself and become a continual improvement from before. It isn't always easy, but I try and that's all you can do. Try. You'll find your own way, your own strength, your own self-reliance.

At the end of the day, nobody can save you but yourself.