The Journey

Let's all just agree that sometimes we get side tracked or derailed, right?

Dysphoria, stress, work kids, relationships, friends, family...life. It sometimes causes us to lost touch with things that are pivotal to our growth and our journey. I personally have been dealing with stress, work and dysphoria. Stress from work, stress from dysphoria...depression from dysphoria. It's been a rough couple of months. I've tried to overcome it, but it's a process. Not an easy one. Nobody can bring you out of that. You have to dig deep and be able to bring yourself out of your hole. Help from others is encouraged and appreciated, but even people who know what dysphoria is like, don't completely understand your circumstances.

I have plenty of support from friends and family and I love them and appreciate them to pieces. But the fact of the matter is that they don't get it. They don't feel the pressure or the anger or the sadness I feel constantly. I feel such excitement for my friends and people in groups on Facebook who are having consultations, getting their surgeries, posting their elated post-op pictures. I truly a happy for all you guys and gals. But part of my dysphoria is the fact that I have yet to have my consultation. That's nobody else's fault but my own and I accept that. I still get certain feelings towards myself not having that be part of my journey. Yet.

There is an end, I believe. At least I hope. I see some guys who have had their top surgery who aren't pleased. They don't like their scars. Truthfully, that's one of my biggest fears. I want to be able to embrace my scars. They are part of my journey. So is advocacy. I have a desire to be a trailblazer, an educator, a mentor, an ally, a friend for anyone and everyone who needs a positive role model. I also struggle wanting to be seen as a cis man and not be defined as a trans man. I am a man, it doesn't matter if I had to have surgery to be that man or not. I am a man. Nobody can tell me different. No matter what you say, how you say it: I am Colby James Richardson. I am a self-made man.

My journey may not include natural children, it may not include marriage, it may not include being stealth (to whatever degree, if any). But it is my journey and I am deeply and enthusiastically excited to share it with the world. My journey is my story. My story is my life.