Mom and Dad,
I'm scared right now. I don't know exactly what I'm experiencing but I've been going through it for the majority of my memories. Why am I not like Jeff? Or Matthew? Why was I born a girl? Did I do something wrong, because I don't understand why it hurts to be me. I don't want to be a girl, because I'm not a girl.
I don't know how to fix this but I'm trying to understand. Please be patient with me. Will you still love me knowing that I want to be your son? Or will you decide I'm too sick for love? I don't feel very worthy of much, honestly. How can someone be so twisted? What happened?
The scars that you don't see go deeper than just my skin. They have been absorbed by my soul. My soul is hard and cold because of the confusion. Something is wrong with me. I'm an outcast and I don't know why. I want to get married and have a family. I want all the dreams for myself that you have for me, but I want to be a groom and a father and a husband. I cannot stand to think or believe I would be successful as a woman, wife, or mother. Those thoughts terrify me more than the unknown.
There must be a word, a study, a science of sorts that can make sense of this. Will you help me please? Promise me that no matter how hard the journey, you will always love me and be there for me. Because I'm your child. I can't do this without you. I don't want to. I'm not your daughter; I never have been and for that I am sorry. But please rejoice in knowing you can have a happy, healthy, loved, loving and successful son.
Love,
your yet-to-be-named son
No comments:
Post a Comment