Sorry for the delay. I hate when I have this grand plan for a blog and then I get tired or busy and I don't get around to accomplishing what I wanted. This post actually didn't end how I wanted it to. I wanted to write about the dynamic of being a transgender parent/step-parent, but ended up settling on something completely different. That's not bad, though. This spoke to me more.
I was not openly gay or transgender in high school. I came out to my mom in the last couple months of my senior year. After always seeing myself as a male, I was able to put a word to the feelings I had. I could finally explain why I was attracted to women, but never AS a woman. I didn't even see myself as gay, but I was active in my schools's GSA group.
I didn't want to be an advocate, even after I came out and met other transgender people. It took probably three or four years for that seed to grow. I wanted to educate people and help others have the (mostly) positive reception I had when I came out. I didn't know what to do or how to do it, but it was a sort of passion.
That passion waned as I stopped chasing my transition. I had changed jobs, finally getting a little comfortable and letting my facial hair grow out just a little bit. Nothing like what it is today. I watched YouTube videos, but the news was usually bad or nonexistent. It was hard to get an accurate picture of what the community as a whole needed or was going through.
As the news shifted and started to report more transwomen of color being murdered, I had become more comfortable in my skin. I had participated in NoShave November and my mustache was coming in nicely. I was in a stable relationship and I was determined to reach just one person and let them know they weren't alone.
I joined a YouTube group of other transmen across the US and Canada. We each were assigned a day of the week and agreed upon a topic. It was great and I loved it. We were getting likes and new subscribers every week. We grew up. We went to college, got jobs, started hormones, moved...life happened and we started to fall off.
I tried to keep up with it, starting an Instagram and Twitter (because I was super active on those platforms at the time) and stay engaged, but even I fell off the horse. It was hard to be a role model when I myself had stalled once again is transitioning. I was planning on starting hormones, but I couldn't afford insurance. I also couldn't afford a therapist. Both were needed for my journey (mind you, all journeys are different) and I was stuck.
I let the group go and toyed with starting a blog, but it felt empty and I didn't know what to write about. I wanted to write about what it meant to redefine life, what it meant to define my position and my journey. In 2013, I changed my name and decided I was going forward and nothing could stop me.
The journey is always changing. It is something new every day. Some days, it's exciting and I feel really good. Other days, it's a struggle to even get out of bed. Some days, I want to be a huge activist and raise awareness and help cultivate a strong, inclusive community outside of our niché. Some days, I just want to stay in my lane and do me. That doesn't mean I don't want justice and equality for every living human being, it just means I don't have the fight to take care of more than myself. And that's ok.
A high school friend of mine recently reached out to me and asked if I would be willing to speak at her school. They're in the planning phases of a GSA and I think it's exciting. It's not just a chance for me to be a part of my community, it's also a push in the right direction. A push to keep going forward. I want to be a success, a role model for kids who don't have one or who are afraid of embracing their authentic selves. I cannot wait to start this new part of my journey.
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