Phobia of Consequences

-takes a deep breath-

Transphobia isn't something that I've been in close contact with more than two or three times in my whole life. Living in central Oklahoma, I would think it would have been a more common occurrence, but I've really been blessed/lucky to be sheltered from this side of it. I've been confronted in the bathroom once, about two years ago, and made it out with minor issues. What people don't understand is that being transgender and being targeted can have instant negative consequences. I was shaken and my confidence dropped but, because I was loved and supported, I got through it fairly quickly. That experience couldn't prepare me for what I experienced the other day.

I overheard some guys talking about transgender celebrities. It seemed like a casual conversation, simply just a discussion of who is, who isn't, who pulls it off, who doesn't. Things of that sort. It quickly turned into something darker. One of the guys said "Those people should be treated like the Jews. Fucking put them in some camps and kill those freaks. They deserve it for trying to play God and shit." I listened for a few more minutes, worried about how they perceived me, before I was able to walk away. I had to collect myself before getting on with my day. There was so much I wanted to say, but obviously it was could have escalated into a dangerous situation for me.

Sometimes, trans people have this feeling of "not being trans enough" because we don't fit into the cookie-cutter norms that society wants us to. We are either too masculine, not masculine enough, too feminine, not feminine enough. Seen as freaks, abominations, people who are trying to defy/play God, so on and so forth. This is obviously not the case. I often feel like I'm not trans enough. It's simply programming. When you're born a female, you're expected to be a certain way. Act, talk, walk, think, feel certain ways that are different from how males are expected to be.

When you cross the line of being transgender, that programming can be difficult to undo. Sometimes, even I realize I've done something that natural-born guys wouldn't do. I have to try and be conscious of everything I do and try to be masculine enough to make sure I'm not coming off as feminine or even gay. I certainly don't see myself as gay, mainly because I don't see myself as a female. Many FtM (female-to-male) guys sometimes feel that they just aren't masculine enough. It causes a lot of disconnect at times, because we are struggling to make sense of what we are working with and how we are perceived in the universe.

I was perceived on the outside as whatever. I don't even know. I probably wasn't even on their scope of concern. Nonetheless, the conversation I overheard had an impact on my self-perception. My confidence was torn down. My will was wrecked. I found myself at home, unable to control my emotions. not necessarily fearful, but full of sadness and anger. I struggled to keep the tears away because I felt like all the efforts I've made to "pass" (which means to embrace and live as authentically as I possibly can) have been a failure. Temporary, but a part of my psyche and my spirit broke. Imagine knowing one of the worst atrocities in history happened to a specific group of people and having somebody wish that upon you. A completely innocent person who just wants to live safely and happily is dealing with somebody wishing they would be tortured and murdered simply for being who they are. Something completely out of their control.

I got two hours of sleep before going to work. I cried uncontrollably. I couldn't even talk about it for about 24 hours. I had to try and deal with it myself because the pain was too much. But why? Why was it so powerful and so painful? The answer is easy: Because it is insanely accepted as appropriate. Not a single one of the other guys said anything in defense of transgender people. None of them said anything to disagree. They didn't necessarily agree and I could tell one was a little uncomfortable with the comments, but there was no correction.

I wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself. I wasn't strong enough to stand up for other transgender people who desperately need it. I feel like a failure. I feel like a fraud. It was a missed opportunity and I realize that. I also accept the fact that I am privileged to be American, to be loved, to be supported, to be who I am. I may not have been able to deal with this transphobia as others would have liked. But I can say that I did what was best for me. Who knows what that could have turned into. Transphobia shouldn't be tolerated, especially to that extent. All it takes is an open mind and an honest attempt to learn about something you may not fully understand. Take the negatives you perceive and turn them into positives, if possible.