The Journey

Let's all just agree that sometimes we get side tracked or derailed, right?

Dysphoria, stress, work kids, relationships, friends, family...life. It sometimes causes us to lost touch with things that are pivotal to our growth and our journey. I personally have been dealing with stress, work and dysphoria. Stress from work, stress from dysphoria...depression from dysphoria. It's been a rough couple of months. I've tried to overcome it, but it's a process. Not an easy one. Nobody can bring you out of that. You have to dig deep and be able to bring yourself out of your hole. Help from others is encouraged and appreciated, but even people who know what dysphoria is like, don't completely understand your circumstances.

I have plenty of support from friends and family and I love them and appreciate them to pieces. But the fact of the matter is that they don't get it. They don't feel the pressure or the anger or the sadness I feel constantly. I feel such excitement for my friends and people in groups on Facebook who are having consultations, getting their surgeries, posting their elated post-op pictures. I truly a happy for all you guys and gals. But part of my dysphoria is the fact that I have yet to have my consultation. That's nobody else's fault but my own and I accept that. I still get certain feelings towards myself not having that be part of my journey. Yet.

There is an end, I believe. At least I hope. I see some guys who have had their top surgery who aren't pleased. They don't like their scars. Truthfully, that's one of my biggest fears. I want to be able to embrace my scars. They are part of my journey. So is advocacy. I have a desire to be a trailblazer, an educator, a mentor, an ally, a friend for anyone and everyone who needs a positive role model. I also struggle wanting to be seen as a cis man and not be defined as a trans man. I am a man, it doesn't matter if I had to have surgery to be that man or not. I am a man. Nobody can tell me different. No matter what you say, how you say it: I am Colby James Richardson. I am a self-made man.

My journey may not include natural children, it may not include marriage, it may not include being stealth (to whatever degree, if any). But it is my journey and I am deeply and enthusiastically excited to share it with the world. My journey is my story. My story is my life.

Silly perception

I missed a week due to being sick. I don't really have much to talk about, but I think I have an unexpected topic to share.

When I was in middle school and high school, I didn't have a word for what I was feeling. "Transgender" didn't even register on my radar as something that even existed. Lesbian, bisexual, nothing in terms of sexual preference made sense. I was attracted to girls. I wanted to be with girls and I never saw myself as a female when it came to dating. But I did want something...different.

I felt something I couldn't describe. I had heard about gay people who would get married and have families before the truth either ate away at them or they came out. I thought I could do the same thing. I thought, hoped...even prayed, that if I could find a guy who would find me attractive, I could bury these feelings. I tried, too. I threw myself into someone, made him my best friend and strived to be in a relationship with him.

It became my salvation. If I could make him love me, I could love me. I could get married, experience love, have a family. Keep my family honor. Make my mom happy. I tried. So very hard. It was futile. I cringed the one time he kissed me on the cheek. It wasn't bad, per say, but it was uncomfortable. My brain processed it as tender and kind, nothing to be afraid of, but it was also against what I felt was my nature.

It wasn't until reconnecting with an ex that I fully realized that I couldn't be with a guy, that I had chosen this particular person because I wanted to be like him, not be with him. When my ex and I broke up for the last time in 2006, I had finally put all the pieces together. Colby was more prominent in my attitude and behavior, I was more male and masculine. There was no more need to live two separate lives, no need to pretend I was somebody I wasn't. I was finally able to be me. I was comfortable in my skin...well, I was getting there.

There is this perception, among the gay and transgender communities, that if we push it down hard and long enough, it will go away. If we can find something or someone to just throw ourselves into, we won't focus on what about us isn't conforming to "normal" by societies standards. I did that, I totally did. And I was miserable the whole fucking time. I was miserable for years, until I was able to throw myself into myself. That's when it all made sense.

Don't push it down. Search, research, and search some more. Ask questions. Reconsider the life you have and the life you want. It's hard, that is a given. It's scary, yet another given. But I'm coming to terms with the fact that this is MY life.. I may not have a child of my own blood, but I have two children in my life that I utterly adore and would give my life for. When my mom gets to know them, she will accept them and realize that even though her blood line ends with me, she can still be a grandmother.

The journey isn't roses, it isn't rainbows and unicorns, but it worthwhile. It is. I promise you. I met a woman, after about five years of struggling to find myself, who encouraged the very best in me and inspired me to be the best version of myself. She has given me more than I could ever anticipate. She has helped me on my journey and I am eternally grateful to her for all that she does.

I've stopped trying to throw myself into things to avoid looking in the mirror, to avoid the feelings of being abnormal. I found a way to take what makes me different and make it part of my normalcy, part of my journey. I know who I want to be. I know who I am.

Transgender Reppin' in the Media

Brief note: I work on a collab channel, FTMTRANSformers0, on youtube by making weekly videos. Seeing as I've taken a hiatus from that, and the stress I felt trying to maintain both those videos and my own plus my blog here, I've decided to dedicate one topic a week. And since topics are available through May with my collab, I'll be posting my video and my blog will cover the same topic. I appreciate everyone's support and interest in my journey. Please know that you've all somehow played a role and I thank you sincerely for that.

So, on to the reason you're reading this: Trans representation in the media.
Let's face it: transgender folks just don't get a lot of positive press. The lack of our presence to begin with is beginning to wane, thanks to trailblazers like Laverne Cox and Chaz Bono. You also have Carmen Carrera, who shot into the spotlight with an online petition to make her a Victoria's Secret model; Janet Mock, who appeared twice on Piers Morgan's show (which is now being cancelled - and not due to their interviews), and the porn industry's first transgender actor, Buck Angel. Granted Buck isn't all that well-known and isn't out there every night on the news, he's someone that most transgender people (and a surprising amount of cisgender people) know.

"I always knew that I was me." - Janet Mock
The media likes to blow up the idea of being born as one gender and then suddenly being the other binary gender. What is so sensational about this? The fact that it is unknown is my guess. I'd say that America, at least (because it's where I live and all I can speak for), doesn't understand it completely and you have the people who believe there's a fix or that it can be corrected with therapy or medication or Jesus. I am not a devout Christian...I used to be, though. And the lies I had to hide were crushing. It was so conflicting. The very conservative Christians believe that transgender folks are playing God. They preach that God doesn't make mistakes, but that being transgender is an abomination. If God doesn't make mistakes, why am I as certain I am a male as you are that God exists? How does one reach out to these people who don't understand (but may have the desire to understand)?

The transgender community has certainly made a niche in the online world. Facebook, tumblr, twitter. We are able to be who we truly are with less fear than doing so in public. The time has come to transition (no pun intended) from the security of some anonymity online to being another face of society to be accepted in the big picture. "We should be silent" is not our voice any longer. We are becoming braver, bolder, more honest. A lot of this is thanks to the fact that gay rights are becoming more prevalent. LGBT is all intertwined, even if it doesn't seem like it. When gay people were first fighting for their  rights, transgender people were searching for their voices. It's taken forty plus years since, but the amount of tolerance has more than doubled and we are moving from a "gay rights" way of thinking to a human rights way of thinking. This, my friends, is the direction we must continue to go in. Thanks to trailblazers like Harvey Milk, Chaz Bono, Laverne Cox and Janet Mock, I feel like I can make an impact as well.

Stress

We all have it: stress. It's not fun, it's not something to look forward to, it's not always bad. Everyone deals with stress differently and not everyone realizes that. Stress comes from just about everything you can imagine, from relationships to work/school, from what to eat to where to live, from what to name your hamster to what car to buy. Name it and somebody has probably stressed about it before.
The good thing about stress is it is totally manageable. Whether you take a break and regroup, or you power through, or you break down and cry it out. It always has an end, even if it seems ever-lasting. The key to managing stress is using positive coping skills. For me, that includes listening to music, driving, talking to people, and crying. Some people work out,  others sleep, many isolate themselves. That isn't all bad. Sometimes, you just have to figure it our on your own, in your own time. But you have to remember to reconnect. Make sure that once you figure it out, you grab a cold one with your friends, or take your lover to that new movie they want to see. Hell, call your mom and say "I love you." Maybe she will come do your laundry or send you some money for thinking of her.
Stress came finitely be dangerous if you don't cope with it well. It can lead to depression. A study from early 2013 concluded that there is "a connection between stigma and a respondent's psychological distress". What this means is people who participated in the study exhibited signs of clinical depression and anxiety, at 41% and 33%, respectively. These stressors lead to physical symptoms. Often times, transgender people have a history of self-harm that continues on into adulthood.
There is no end-all, be-all stress reliever. You do what works for you. You just have to remember that the stress will end. Even if you need to get away for a few days. Just take time for yourself, recharge, refocus, and take another crack at it. Stress will come and go, just like the wind. You just have to know how it affects you and handle it accordingly.

If you are suffering from depression and feel as if suicide is the only way out, please reconsider. Text the word support to 741741 and someone will text you back. I know someone listening was enough to save my life. You may also call 1-800-272-8355 to speak to someone at the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. You can even chat online if you are more comfortable with that. Just please reach out.


Resources:
National Suicide Prevention Hotline, suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Transgender People More Likely To Develop Depression And Anxiety, By Susan Scutti, June 21, 2013

     http://www.medicaldaily.com/transgender-people-more-likely-develop-depression-and-anxiety-247044

Privileges

As a trans man ... I don't even like that. "Trans man". I'm simply a man. Being transgender does't define what kind of man I am, my character does.
Being Colby, being the person I am, I haven't had the same privileges as my natural born male friends. You know...sneaking the first kiss, reaching for the hand first, asking my crush to prom, asking my crush to be my exclusive partner in crime... I didn't have those...rites of passage to go through growing up. Coming out as transgender after high school wasn't necessarily a disadvantage for me. It really didn't harm nor help. I would have been accepted, I believe, by my close friends and I think it would have made more sense as to my personality to others. But it didn't hinder me from having a semi-normal high school experience.
Am I disappointed that I didn't get to ask my crush to prom? That my (then) best friend (who was a guy) agreed to go with me because we were friends. I'm sure, on some subconscious level, he felt sorry for me. He could have gone to prom with anyone he wanted. Girls fawned over this guy for whatever reason. I even pretended to be head over heels so others would think I was "normal." But I still didn't get to ask my crush (or even attend) to prom. And honestly, I wouldn't have asked anyone to prom...it's the principle. It's the rite... It's the privilege.
It's not easy being a person in general. We all have our struggles and our flaws. But they can make us beautiful people. I am a much stronger and more beautiful person because of the journey I've been on so far. Being transgender does not define me. It simply means that there are many privileges and rites of passage I didn't get to experience. Most of them will never happen again and I'm coming to terms with that.
I've been granted many other rites of passages that most people won't experience. The first time I went into the men's bathroom and found out they really can be gross as hell. The first time I got called sir on the phone. Even if I was sick, I smiled for days. The first time a cisgender cowboy wanted to beat my ass for being in the men's bathroom. Getting my name changed and all the legal documents that now reflect my chosen name. And one of my favorites...the comradeship that has come from meeting, talking and knowing other guys in my position. They are guys I will forever love and cherish.
It's the little things that many people, cisgender or not, take for granted that men in my position cherish and want to experience. We may not get the chance and we have to accept that, or do something extraordinary to make it happen. I, for one, am willing to do the extraordinary to say that I did indeed ask my crush to prom. Not only that, but she said yes.