Rights Are Rights And Are Right

Did you know they 41% of all transgender people have attempted suicide at least once? Unfortunately, that leaves a large window for our brothers and sisters who have succeeded. Let that sink in for a moment. That means that nearly half of the living transgender community has attempted suicide. I am one of those people. So if you know two transgender people, I make the statistic true. It's a very sad and deafening statistic. Deafening because we should, as a society, be listening to these cries for help. Cries for love, hope, need, friends... Too many of the transgender community have been lost due to their own hands.

But on huge flip side, too many of the transgender community have been lost to senseless violence. Lost to rapes, murders, attacks, vile hatred. All unnecessarily. All without just cause. In November of 2013, only 238 murders had been reported WORLDWIDE. Can you imagine how many more there truly were? Whether the victim was living stealth or were completely unable to be identified and thus slipping through the cracks. Maybe they weren't acknowledged as transgender and were said to be their birth gender instead. That adds insult to injury, in my opinion. Should something ever happen to me, I would hope my family and community had the respect to gender me properly.

I will admit: I am removed from the violence just enough that my personal life has not been deeply affected. Living in one of the most Red states of them all, it does surprise me at times. It does trouble me when I hear about another trans person being murdered, treated worse than trash, being burned, being sexually assaulted. It deeply troubles me. I cannot imagine the fear and the pain. I don't really want to, honestly. I have only been confronted negatively once in a public bathroom but thanks to outstanding men, I wasn't physically harmed. I was on edge and was afraid for a short time afterward, but if I could tell those who looked out for me "thank you", I'd do it in a heartbeat. We all need a little help from time it time.

Trans rights are no different than race rights, than women's rights, than gay rights...the most popular meme I see is "trans rights are human rights" and that hits the nail square on the head. Human rights are basic and necessary. The gay movement wants to be able to marry and have access to family and legal rights such as healthcare, parental rights, etc. and what's so wrong with that? If my friends want a piece of paper that proves their love to each other, why deny them that? More taxes are collected on maried couples, right? Why would we not want that? It can be difficult for single people to adopt (so I've heard, but I cannot confirm this personally), but it's even more difficult for a gay couple to adopt. Why? Is the baby going to grow up and be gay? Not necessarily.

We live in a world where it's still ok to believe in stigmas and stereotypes. Even ones that are severely outdated and need to go out with last weeks trash. It's just not okay. I have lots of friends who may someday want to get married. If you are a transgender person, have not had your gender marker changed, and live in a state thst does not recognize same-sex marriages, you cannot get married in your state. I, too, would like to get married someday (should that be in the cards for me) but I'm not sure I'll be able to marry in my home state. Not sure I want to. But the thought of having such a basic freedom excites me.

If I want to, I should be able to get married. If I want to, I should be able to adopt. If I want to, I should be able to walk freely through my community without fear of being beaten or worse.

W all have something that makes us different from the other 6.8 billion people on this planet. Judging a person because they do not conform to YOUR idea of "normal" is wrong. Because what if you, Mr. All-American Football, do not fit into MY idea of normal? Do I have the right to shame you? To set your truck on fire and carve "DIE FUCKING NORMAL GUY!!" into your red paint job? Oh, you date a pretty cheerleader? I'm going to throw bottles of beer at you two when you walk down the street because your lifestyle are sickening to me! Your choice to be like this is disgusting and I don't agree with it!! I sound crazy, but I don't care because my rights are being hindered due to your secret agenda! How dare you!!!

The hatred out there is so backward. People hate what they do not understand. Of the 41% suicide attempts, how many of them do you think come from some form of bullying or hate towards thst individual? I can't find the number of that, but I'm willing to bet 50% or greater. I can only speak for myself when I say that I did not attempt suicide for attention, nor did it happen because I was being bullied. It happened because I felt like an abomination. Because I would rather die than admit that I wasn't the perfect little girl my mom had wanted and tried to raise. When I realized that I had to love myself and be honest with myself, it would set the example for others to love and appreciate me. It worked. Not many people rejected me, not many people hated me and nobody tried to deter me.

I wish I were able to say the same for some of my brothers and sisters. I wish I could say that the suicide attempt rate was simply 10% or even less. I wish I could say that less than 238 reported cases of murder were reported. But I can't. I realize hate will always be out there in one form or another. But it is up to us, those of us living today, who support equal rights for ALL HUMANS, to stand up for our humanity and save those who need saving, to protect those who need protecting and to do everything we can to educate and get rid of the anger and vileness that exists simply because people do not understand.

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression and think suicide is the answer, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1.800.273.8255 Your life is more precious than you may realize. All calls are anonymous. If you feel you cannot call, please contact me via email. I will do all I can to get you in I intact with the resources you need to get through your struggles. I will not abandon you.

Q&A with Crystal

I recently had a conversation with a good friend of mine. She and I hadn't really spent much time talking about my journey. We were talking about the Chaz Bono documentary, Becoming Chaz, which is available on Netflix, and she had some questions for me. Please bear in mind that she is a close friend so we do get a little -ahem- personal. But I am always welcome to positive questions. For me, this is how it should go. Stranger, sibling, friend, family. A respectful conversation where everyone feels valued, trusted and respected. This is a text conversation that carried on between 3:15 am and 5:30 am, give or take 15 or so minutes for other conversations.
She did give me permission to use her name and to use this conversation as an educational tool. Thank you for allowing me to use this conversation, Crystal.

Crystal: I ... respect you so much for being the person you knew you were even when others didn't understand. Watching that documentary made me appreciate your struggles. Every person close to you should watch it

Colby: If you really want to know about my struggles, check out my YouTube channel. Read my blog. I even posted a blog tonight. I can send you the links. Every transgender person has a similar journey to a degree. But each journey is so vastly unique in the same respect. Some FtM want to carry their babies. I can't [do that]

Crystal: A year ago or so I can honestly say I didn't get it and was ignorant

Colby: That's ok. I was ignorant to what it meant from age 14-20 it just isn't easy to understand if you aren't deeply involved. If you don't mind, how did you view it? Maybe it can help me help others. Because I've only had one person who was close to me ditch me because of it. He wouldn't ever talk to me about it and that made it difficult for me to understand because everyone was very supportive

Crystal: Truthfully, I thought it was the concept of "penis envy"

Colby: Oh lord there is that lol but it isn't the root cause

Crystal: I was close minded

Colby: meh. Uneducated? There's nothing wrong with it unless you give out incorrect information and try to educate others in the wrong way with wrong info. You'd be close minded if you never asked questions or never accepted me (or any transgender person)

Crystal: You're cool w questions?

Colby: Always. How else can I help educate?

Crystal: When did you feel like a "boy"

Colby: Probably around school starting. I was infatuated with a little blonde girl in my kindergarten class. I "liked" her more than the other kids. And I also was upset that my best friend, who was a boy, could pee standing up and I couldn't

Crystal: So it was more than just wanting to be a lesbian?

Colby: It was never a lesbian thing. I never thought of myself as a female when I thought about girls. I always saw myself as a male and was very confused in sex ed when body parts didn't match up like they did in my head. I used to think I could like boys if I found the right one. I've also thought if it would be easier to just stay with Rachel and be Colby without hormones or surgeries {there was a personal conversation that prompted this response but I'm sharing because I know some people completely stop transitioning and revert back, but do some just simply stop taking hormones but still live as a man?}

Crystal: Do you plan on having bottom surgery? If that's too personal I understand.

Colby: I would love to, but the results are extremely costly, you need at least three depending on what type (yes there's more than one) but right now I feel like the results are too expensive {and too variable} to be a reality of mine. If stem cell research can be expanded to help change that or the surgery process improves, I will definitely reconsider.

Crystal: That documentary talked about the few there are. They all seem very painful and may not give you the "real" feel you're going for. As your friend is there anything I can do to make you feel more like a "man"?

Colby: With both bottom and top surgery, I'm scared if the scars created. It's very hard to get a sculpted chest without scars in America. I'm not sure what the hell it is, but of the multiple chests I've seen from Germany, that's the place to have it done lol If you are a friend of mine, which you are, all I ask is that you use male pronouns, you never mention my birth name and you never "out" me

Crystal: Are you on hormones?

Colby: No. Not at this time. I took testosterone boosters for a while but they only helped me build muscle. I need testosterone shots if I want the deeper voice and more hair

Crystal: When I speak about you, you'd like me to just say you're a guy and not female to male then? I don't say that but people have asked.

Colby: Right. There's this thing called "stealth" used in the trans community. It's kinda like being in the closet for the gay community. I don't necessarily want EVERYONE I meet to know I'm transgender. I simply am a man. That's all anyone needs to know. But if someone wants to engage in proper dialog or ask for education purposes, then I will talk to them and be honest. But I would rather be what's called a cisman (male who was born a male and identifies as male)

Crystal: Dumb question but you are aware of the side effects of the hormones correct?

Colby: Yes. I'm very aware of the side effects. The outcome outweighs the side effects. And that's why endocrinologists exist. To make sure I get blood work done and make sure I don't overwhelm my body with dangerous levels of t

Crystal: I know you changed your name but were you able to change your gender?

Colby: Usually in Oklahoma to change your gender you have to have a letter of intent from a therapist or a surgeon stating you are going to have surgery so I have not done that yet. But hopefully within the year I will

Crystal: I think you should consider filming your progress if you decide to do more hormones and or surgery...I think it would help others become who they want to be... Do people ever flat out ask you if you're male or female?

Colby: I do plan on filming more once I get over my dysphoria and stuff. Yes. Kids are usually the ones who flat out ask if I'm a boy or a girl. I always tell them I'm a boy, never "it's complicated" or anything. I don't know that they would be confused, but it's not something I want to expose to children without parental consent. I don't want to cross any line

Crystal: Do you feel like a "straight male" then?

Colby: I definitely feel like a straight male. Never felt as anything else honestly.

Crystal: If you weren't w Rachel and were to date would you tell your potential significant other that you are transgendered? Not sure if that's the correct verbiage. No ed right?

Colby: Correct. Transgendered almost sounds like "you used to be a transgender" or makes it sound like it's something you do, not who you are. Always transgender for every way you use the term. You can even shorten it to trans. There no offense in that. I feel as if I would be obligated to tell my partner that I am transgender and let them know my intentions with my life in the event I dated someone new. Luckily for me, Rachel has always seen me as male and had difficulty calling me Megan at work. And when I came out to her, it all made sense and it wasn't awkward, that I recall. Amnesia is a bitch lol

Crystal: Do you feel discriminated against very often? Do other people that you don't know treat you differently that you can tell?

Colby: Really the only time I feel discriminated against is when looking for jobs. People see that I present as male with my facial hair and how I dress but I have a very feminine voice and my records all have a female marker. When in public and when people pick up on cues like how I dress and call me sir instead of ma'am I don't feel discriminated against. And even if a server does call me ma'am I don't correct them. It's a tad but embarrassing and hurts my feelings but it's not so bad that I cry. Just pushes me to "pass" better I guess

Crystal: So sexually speaking, Chaz in the film said his "parts" were off limits, breasts mostly, because it felt "wrong". Do you feel that way and are you able to enjoy sex? I know that's very personal but it made me think you may not get the most out of sex because you don't physically have what males should have.

Colby: And that is touchy for a lot of people. I don't want to give out details that Rachel may not want others to know but nothing is off limits. I very much enjoy sex and have a partner who understands how sensitive I am about my body. It took us a couple of drunken conversations to figure it out but we talked about it and because of that, I never felt violated and we learned together what was acceptable and what was not

Crystal: Right I get no details! I just kinda worry as a friend it's not enjoyable like it should be I suppose?

Colby: It very much is. It's not ideal, no. But it takes communication and understanding and a deeper connection to make it comfortably work for both parties and Rachel and I have that. As a guy who doesn't have the traditional and expected male body parts, being with someone who has obviously been with traditional men it can be intimidating and even frightening to enter into a sexual relationship. That was a very big hurdle for me to overcome and 99% of it was all in my head

Crystal: Prior to you I've never met a trans [person]

Colby: Prior to myself I had never met a trans person either lol It took loooooottttssss of research both online and in my heart to figure out what it meant and what steps to take

Crystal: You make me feel comfortable and it's my favorite thing about you.

Colby: I'm glad. There's never any reason to be uncomfortable. It's not like I'm a journalist trying to put you on blast. I try to mirror my own comfort with others when talking personally so they know they can trust me as much as I trust them

Crystal: You do a fantastic job. You'd be a great therapist. Have you considered doing that before? Chaz helps small children who identify as trans

Colby: I have. I think I want to help trans kids and teens

Crystal: You'd be great. I admire your strength. It can't be easy and it may never be. Would you like to have top surgery in the near future? The documentary said it's about 10 k

Colby: I think it does at some point. At least talking about the transition gets easier. Talking about the past gets less awkward and embarrassing. Yes. Hopefully within a year. I can go to a famous doctor in Florida and stay there for a week for about 10k or spend about half that and stay close to home

Crystal: Would you like to do a fund raiser or anything to help? I'll do anything in my power to assist. You deserve to be comfortable with your body.

Colby: I have considered that and I've donated to a few guys but I think personally I am too afraid to ask for help from others. It's my journey. If I want it bad enough I'll make it happen, right? Idk. Maybe. I'm very much on the fence

Crystal: I think you should reach out more. You have a significant other and close friends who only want you happy and life is just too short to not be who you are... Erika mentioned your Mom had a hard time at first, is she getting better?

Colby: I agree. But I've already lost my life once. At least part of it. Asking for money for an elective surgery seems selfish to me. And I think part of that has to do with society's view on transgender surgeries. It's a struggle between Ma and I sometimes. But she tries very hard when Rachel is around. And she's starts calling me Julio because she doesn't always remember Colby. I think her feelings are hurt because I chose a name nothing close to what she named me. Rachel has to constantly give me the perspective of a mother when I'm frustrated because it should be so simple in my head. But my mother has loved me the same, if not more, since I came out to her. I know she only wants me to be safe, happy and healthy and that I will always be her pride and joy {she also calls me her prince in text messages}

Crystal: Would you be upset if we planned something for you? Obviously we would run everything by you but I'm just curious

Colby: I wouldn't stop anyone from doing anything for me. I would be very much grateful. I would give tshirts or make bracelets or write letters or something to personalize donations if anyone gave them to me. And the more they donate the bigger the prize. Things like that are common. I'd try to make that happen if I or anyone else started a fund for my surgery

Crystal: That documentary really opened my eyes. It would make me so happy to help. I feel like you would be able to truly live your life the way you want to with at least top surgery.

Colby: Well if anything ever happens I will let you know (unless you know first lol) 75% of my issues simply come from my chest. 20% comes from my voice and 5% comes from my weight

Crystal: Would you like to get coffee on your day off and talk more? I enjoy learning about your life. So I was right about the top surgery? It would make you a lot happier?

Colby: Sure. But can I get hot chocolate or tea? Coffee gives me the shits 😳😳 Oh god yes. I need five things to be happy: Rachel, orange juice, top surgery, hormones and a fully stocked xbox to be a happy camper

Crystal: Lol yes. I'll get you whatever you like if it's not crazy outrageous so no strippers this time k? Lol.

Colby: No strippers I promise! Save those for the bachelor party lol

Crystal: Is it too expensive to continue hormones? Erika mentioned you use to take them? And those would be for the rest of your life yes? Do you have health insurance?

Colby: Let's put it this way: if I did take hormones, I don't remember and no longer have a valid prescription. And if I got them illegally, I couldn't begin to tell you where or how I got them. Depending on insurance and the dosage amount, hormones can be from $40-$300 a month for the rest of my life. I do not currently have health insurance so I would have to wait until December when I can enroll with my employer to get it then try and get on t. Which isn't really difficult. Norman has sufficient doctors who will prescribe t. It's just getting the insurance to see them because they are considered specialists

..............

Crystal: So back to the topic! Lol Is there anything I can do to help?

Colby: I get it lol help what? Help me?

Crystal: Yes. In any way?

Colby: Nothing that you don't already do, honestly

Crystal: I always use male pronouns. I never say you're "female to male" I never call you Megan. That's not your name. {cue That's Not My Name by The Ting Tings}
[A friend] did ask and I said you were a male Because you are. I knew he had questions. But I didn't think I needed to explain something so point blank. If that makes sense. I do try to correct people who are derogatory or ignorant. Not just about you but trans in general. I feel like people need to get their facts straight.

Colby: I definitely appreciate that. All of it. Thank you. Society does need to be educated. There are more MtF out there and they get the worst of it. The trans men don't get as much publicity because it's easier to blend in I think

Crystal: I also want you to know I'm here if you ever want to talk about it or vent. I respect you as a person and as a male friend. Even if you never have surgery or take hormones you will always be my awesome guy friend Colby. :)

Colby: Thank you crystal. That means a lot to me :)

...........

Crystal: I know I sound like a broken record but you should be proud of how strong you are. I know it's not easy but you can get through this and I know one day I'll see you in a tux marrying your 🐧

===============

The emoji that probably nobody can see is a penguin face. Penguins are Rachel's favorite animal and it touched my heart deeply when she sent me that text. I have amazing people in my life: my mom, Kesha, Rachel, Maygen, Tiffany, Shelby, Ronnie...people I work with, people I went to school with. The majority of them respect me, they use male pronouns, they call me Colby. They treat me as a male and I have the same social expectations as natural born males have. Sure, sometimes people slip and that's ok. It's not going to happen overnight, it's going to take some time, but the effort people put forth to make me feel comfortable in my skin and in my surroundings is amazing and I'm lucky to have what and whom I have in my life.  Thank you all for being you and for not alienating me. I appreciate your support and love in this crazy, yet necessary and joyful, journey.
If you have any questions, if you need tips on how to come out or how to help your family/friends understand, don't hesitate to contact me. I am more than happy to do what I can to help you with this life-changing decision.

The letter I wish I had written

Mom and Dad,
I'm scared right now. I don't know exactly what I'm experiencing but I've been going through it for the majority of my memories. Why am I not like Jeff? Or Matthew? Why was I born a girl? Did I do something wrong, because I don't understand why it hurts to be me. I don't want to be a girl, because I'm not a girl.

I don't know how to fix this but I'm trying to understand. Please be patient with me. Will you still love me knowing that I want to be your son? Or will you decide I'm too sick for love? I don't feel very worthy of much, honestly. How can someone be so twisted? What happened?

The scars that you don't see go deeper than just my skin. They have been absorbed by my soul. My soul is hard and cold because of the confusion. Something is wrong with me. I'm an outcast and I don't know why. I want to get married and have a family. I want all the dreams for myself that you have for me, but I want to be a groom and a father and a husband. I cannot stand to think or believe I would be successful as a woman, wife, or mother. Those thoughts terrify me more than the unknown.

There must be a word, a study, a science of sorts that can make sense of this. Will you help me please? Promise me that no matter how hard the journey, you will always love me and be there for me. Because I'm your child. I can't do this without you. I don't want to. I'm not your daughter; I never have been and for that I am sorry. But please rejoice in knowing you can have a happy, healthy, loved, loving and successful son.

Love,
your yet-to-be-named son

The Journey

Let's all just agree that sometimes we get side tracked or derailed, right?

Dysphoria, stress, work kids, relationships, friends, family...life. It sometimes causes us to lost touch with things that are pivotal to our growth and our journey. I personally have been dealing with stress, work and dysphoria. Stress from work, stress from dysphoria...depression from dysphoria. It's been a rough couple of months. I've tried to overcome it, but it's a process. Not an easy one. Nobody can bring you out of that. You have to dig deep and be able to bring yourself out of your hole. Help from others is encouraged and appreciated, but even people who know what dysphoria is like, don't completely understand your circumstances.

I have plenty of support from friends and family and I love them and appreciate them to pieces. But the fact of the matter is that they don't get it. They don't feel the pressure or the anger or the sadness I feel constantly. I feel such excitement for my friends and people in groups on Facebook who are having consultations, getting their surgeries, posting their elated post-op pictures. I truly a happy for all you guys and gals. But part of my dysphoria is the fact that I have yet to have my consultation. That's nobody else's fault but my own and I accept that. I still get certain feelings towards myself not having that be part of my journey. Yet.

There is an end, I believe. At least I hope. I see some guys who have had their top surgery who aren't pleased. They don't like their scars. Truthfully, that's one of my biggest fears. I want to be able to embrace my scars. They are part of my journey. So is advocacy. I have a desire to be a trailblazer, an educator, a mentor, an ally, a friend for anyone and everyone who needs a positive role model. I also struggle wanting to be seen as a cis man and not be defined as a trans man. I am a man, it doesn't matter if I had to have surgery to be that man or not. I am a man. Nobody can tell me different. No matter what you say, how you say it: I am Colby James Richardson. I am a self-made man.

My journey may not include natural children, it may not include marriage, it may not include being stealth (to whatever degree, if any). But it is my journey and I am deeply and enthusiastically excited to share it with the world. My journey is my story. My story is my life.

Silly perception

I missed a week due to being sick. I don't really have much to talk about, but I think I have an unexpected topic to share.

When I was in middle school and high school, I didn't have a word for what I was feeling. "Transgender" didn't even register on my radar as something that even existed. Lesbian, bisexual, nothing in terms of sexual preference made sense. I was attracted to girls. I wanted to be with girls and I never saw myself as a female when it came to dating. But I did want something...different.

I felt something I couldn't describe. I had heard about gay people who would get married and have families before the truth either ate away at them or they came out. I thought I could do the same thing. I thought, hoped...even prayed, that if I could find a guy who would find me attractive, I could bury these feelings. I tried, too. I threw myself into someone, made him my best friend and strived to be in a relationship with him.

It became my salvation. If I could make him love me, I could love me. I could get married, experience love, have a family. Keep my family honor. Make my mom happy. I tried. So very hard. It was futile. I cringed the one time he kissed me on the cheek. It wasn't bad, per say, but it was uncomfortable. My brain processed it as tender and kind, nothing to be afraid of, but it was also against what I felt was my nature.

It wasn't until reconnecting with an ex that I fully realized that I couldn't be with a guy, that I had chosen this particular person because I wanted to be like him, not be with him. When my ex and I broke up for the last time in 2006, I had finally put all the pieces together. Colby was more prominent in my attitude and behavior, I was more male and masculine. There was no more need to live two separate lives, no need to pretend I was somebody I wasn't. I was finally able to be me. I was comfortable in my skin...well, I was getting there.

There is this perception, among the gay and transgender communities, that if we push it down hard and long enough, it will go away. If we can find something or someone to just throw ourselves into, we won't focus on what about us isn't conforming to "normal" by societies standards. I did that, I totally did. And I was miserable the whole fucking time. I was miserable for years, until I was able to throw myself into myself. That's when it all made sense.

Don't push it down. Search, research, and search some more. Ask questions. Reconsider the life you have and the life you want. It's hard, that is a given. It's scary, yet another given. But I'm coming to terms with the fact that this is MY life.. I may not have a child of my own blood, but I have two children in my life that I utterly adore and would give my life for. When my mom gets to know them, she will accept them and realize that even though her blood line ends with me, she can still be a grandmother.

The journey isn't roses, it isn't rainbows and unicorns, but it worthwhile. It is. I promise you. I met a woman, after about five years of struggling to find myself, who encouraged the very best in me and inspired me to be the best version of myself. She has given me more than I could ever anticipate. She has helped me on my journey and I am eternally grateful to her for all that she does.

I've stopped trying to throw myself into things to avoid looking in the mirror, to avoid the feelings of being abnormal. I found a way to take what makes me different and make it part of my normalcy, part of my journey. I know who I want to be. I know who I am.

Transgender Reppin' in the Media

Brief note: I work on a collab channel, FTMTRANSformers0, on youtube by making weekly videos. Seeing as I've taken a hiatus from that, and the stress I felt trying to maintain both those videos and my own plus my blog here, I've decided to dedicate one topic a week. And since topics are available through May with my collab, I'll be posting my video and my blog will cover the same topic. I appreciate everyone's support and interest in my journey. Please know that you've all somehow played a role and I thank you sincerely for that.

So, on to the reason you're reading this: Trans representation in the media.
Let's face it: transgender folks just don't get a lot of positive press. The lack of our presence to begin with is beginning to wane, thanks to trailblazers like Laverne Cox and Chaz Bono. You also have Carmen Carrera, who shot into the spotlight with an online petition to make her a Victoria's Secret model; Janet Mock, who appeared twice on Piers Morgan's show (which is now being cancelled - and not due to their interviews), and the porn industry's first transgender actor, Buck Angel. Granted Buck isn't all that well-known and isn't out there every night on the news, he's someone that most transgender people (and a surprising amount of cisgender people) know.

"I always knew that I was me." - Janet Mock
The media likes to blow up the idea of being born as one gender and then suddenly being the other binary gender. What is so sensational about this? The fact that it is unknown is my guess. I'd say that America, at least (because it's where I live and all I can speak for), doesn't understand it completely and you have the people who believe there's a fix or that it can be corrected with therapy or medication or Jesus. I am not a devout Christian...I used to be, though. And the lies I had to hide were crushing. It was so conflicting. The very conservative Christians believe that transgender folks are playing God. They preach that God doesn't make mistakes, but that being transgender is an abomination. If God doesn't make mistakes, why am I as certain I am a male as you are that God exists? How does one reach out to these people who don't understand (but may have the desire to understand)?

The transgender community has certainly made a niche in the online world. Facebook, tumblr, twitter. We are able to be who we truly are with less fear than doing so in public. The time has come to transition (no pun intended) from the security of some anonymity online to being another face of society to be accepted in the big picture. "We should be silent" is not our voice any longer. We are becoming braver, bolder, more honest. A lot of this is thanks to the fact that gay rights are becoming more prevalent. LGBT is all intertwined, even if it doesn't seem like it. When gay people were first fighting for their  rights, transgender people were searching for their voices. It's taken forty plus years since, but the amount of tolerance has more than doubled and we are moving from a "gay rights" way of thinking to a human rights way of thinking. This, my friends, is the direction we must continue to go in. Thanks to trailblazers like Harvey Milk, Chaz Bono, Laverne Cox and Janet Mock, I feel like I can make an impact as well.

Stress

We all have it: stress. It's not fun, it's not something to look forward to, it's not always bad. Everyone deals with stress differently and not everyone realizes that. Stress comes from just about everything you can imagine, from relationships to work/school, from what to eat to where to live, from what to name your hamster to what car to buy. Name it and somebody has probably stressed about it before.
The good thing about stress is it is totally manageable. Whether you take a break and regroup, or you power through, or you break down and cry it out. It always has an end, even if it seems ever-lasting. The key to managing stress is using positive coping skills. For me, that includes listening to music, driving, talking to people, and crying. Some people work out,  others sleep, many isolate themselves. That isn't all bad. Sometimes, you just have to figure it our on your own, in your own time. But you have to remember to reconnect. Make sure that once you figure it out, you grab a cold one with your friends, or take your lover to that new movie they want to see. Hell, call your mom and say "I love you." Maybe she will come do your laundry or send you some money for thinking of her.
Stress came finitely be dangerous if you don't cope with it well. It can lead to depression. A study from early 2013 concluded that there is "a connection between stigma and a respondent's psychological distress". What this means is people who participated in the study exhibited signs of clinical depression and anxiety, at 41% and 33%, respectively. These stressors lead to physical symptoms. Often times, transgender people have a history of self-harm that continues on into adulthood.
There is no end-all, be-all stress reliever. You do what works for you. You just have to remember that the stress will end. Even if you need to get away for a few days. Just take time for yourself, recharge, refocus, and take another crack at it. Stress will come and go, just like the wind. You just have to know how it affects you and handle it accordingly.

If you are suffering from depression and feel as if suicide is the only way out, please reconsider. Text the word support to 741741 and someone will text you back. I know someone listening was enough to save my life. You may also call 1-800-272-8355 to speak to someone at the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. You can even chat online if you are more comfortable with that. Just please reach out.


Resources:
National Suicide Prevention Hotline, suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Transgender People More Likely To Develop Depression And Anxiety, By Susan Scutti, June 21, 2013

     http://www.medicaldaily.com/transgender-people-more-likely-develop-depression-and-anxiety-247044

Privileges

As a trans man ... I don't even like that. "Trans man". I'm simply a man. Being transgender does't define what kind of man I am, my character does.
Being Colby, being the person I am, I haven't had the same privileges as my natural born male friends. You know...sneaking the first kiss, reaching for the hand first, asking my crush to prom, asking my crush to be my exclusive partner in crime... I didn't have those...rites of passage to go through growing up. Coming out as transgender after high school wasn't necessarily a disadvantage for me. It really didn't harm nor help. I would have been accepted, I believe, by my close friends and I think it would have made more sense as to my personality to others. But it didn't hinder me from having a semi-normal high school experience.
Am I disappointed that I didn't get to ask my crush to prom? That my (then) best friend (who was a guy) agreed to go with me because we were friends. I'm sure, on some subconscious level, he felt sorry for me. He could have gone to prom with anyone he wanted. Girls fawned over this guy for whatever reason. I even pretended to be head over heels so others would think I was "normal." But I still didn't get to ask my crush (or even attend) to prom. And honestly, I wouldn't have asked anyone to prom...it's the principle. It's the rite... It's the privilege.
It's not easy being a person in general. We all have our struggles and our flaws. But they can make us beautiful people. I am a much stronger and more beautiful person because of the journey I've been on so far. Being transgender does not define me. It simply means that there are many privileges and rites of passage I didn't get to experience. Most of them will never happen again and I'm coming to terms with that.
I've been granted many other rites of passages that most people won't experience. The first time I went into the men's bathroom and found out they really can be gross as hell. The first time I got called sir on the phone. Even if I was sick, I smiled for days. The first time a cisgender cowboy wanted to beat my ass for being in the men's bathroom. Getting my name changed and all the legal documents that now reflect my chosen name. And one of my favorites...the comradeship that has come from meeting, talking and knowing other guys in my position. They are guys I will forever love and cherish.
It's the little things that many people, cisgender or not, take for granted that men in my position cherish and want to experience. We may not get the chance and we have to accept that, or do something extraordinary to make it happen. I, for one, am willing to do the extraordinary to say that I did indeed ask my crush to prom. Not only that, but she said yes.