How to Keep a Woman Happy

I've never dated a man so this is quite biased. If I have any readers who want to make a list of 10 things they know keep a man happy, please email me, text me, whatever and I'll get that up. If I get more than 10, I'll pick my favorites and post them. We all know there HAS to be more than sex, boobs, and booze that keeps guys happy.

How to Keep a Woman Happy (and get quality sex)

1) Always remember dates. Whether it be a lunch date, her birthday, or the first time you talked about that chick flick she wanted to see but never got to because tickets were sold out and now the movie is out at RedBox. 

2) Flirt with her more than your shower curtain does. If you shower together or she complains about how the curtain touches her ass more than you do, step up your game and get fresh with her from time to time. But keep it interesting and tasteful. 

3) ANSWER YOUR PHONE! Whether text or phone call. ANSWER YOUR PHONE!

4) Send her cute memes. Nothing too mushy, unless you're both mushy people and you know she'll love it. Make her laugh; that's a big key to making her happy and getting lucky later on.

5) Be creative. Girls do actually like homemade gifts. It shows you put thought into something. You aren't a self-centered lazy bum who eats Cheetos off your stomach. 

6) Pamper her. Learn how to soak her feet and apply nail polish. Give her a REAL massage. If you do it right, you can turn a neck massage into a sensual romp in the sheets. 

7) ANSWER YOUR PHONE!

8) Don't correct her. Just. Don't. And don't you dare make a face or sigh or breathe weird or look somewhere else or fidget. Keep a straight face, hold eye contact and wait for her to say something else. 

9) When you screw up (and you will) flowers are not always the answer. Every woman is different. She may like tickets to a concert or making her favorite dinner or a hot shower ready for her when she gets home. Do what you know will get you off the hook, shows you are sorry and care. You may not know what the hell you did, but at least you care enough to make it right. Just don't do it again. 

10) ANSWER YOUR FUCKING PHONE!!! You don't listen to her ringtone, you don't send her to voicemail then text her "busy, what up?" You answer that shit before she even calls. You respond to that text message the second you receive it. If you want to see what the child of Satan and the exorcist looks like, make an impatient (and/or clingy/needy) woman wait for you to acknowledge her existence longer than 4 seconds. 

This list is not inclusive or exclusive and should be tailored to YOUR woman. Not all women are the same and YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT to avoid castration, sleeping on the couch or, in extreme cases, death. 

Assuming

I had a friend of mine tell me a sad story today. A gay woman she works with demeaned her because she told the lady she was bisexual. This woman is openly gay and they were discussing when their parents found out about their sexuality. Well, as a non-parent, I guess I don't see why it matters when a parent "finds out" their child is gay, lesbian, transgender, pan gender, whatever. Do straight people say "Hey Ma, guess what! I'm straight!" No…don't think so. And if you do, what in the hell?

Everybody, whether you like to be on top or on bottom. Whether you like to penetrate or to be penetrated. Whatever your preference is, you deserve to be respected. How dare you tell someone they're "greedy and nasty" because they love differently than you do. How dare you look down upon someone who fights the same battle you do in society. Being bisexual is as much a choice as being gay, tall, fat, blue-eyed.

At dinner tonight with a couple of gay friends, the conversation came up (not by my own instigation) and it was an eye-opener for me. I wasn't raised any better than any of my friends. I was just lucky to have the open-minded mom that I have and went to the most culturally diverse elementary school in town. So, judging someone by color, creed, sex, gender identity, whatever was just something that I didn't understand until I was a teenager if not older.

I heard one friend tell me how his opinion on bisexuality had changed as he got older. My other friend didn't understand how it worked until we explained it to him. Being able to see someone's mind change in front of me was spectacular. I'm endeared to this person a little more than I was because I was able to see the dots connect in his mind and a new door in his life had been opened.

Being bisexual doesn't mean you're a sex fanatic and you will boink whoever will get into your pants. It's absolutely not like that. Did you know that being bisexual isn't even being attracted to men and women? If that were the case, nearly every human being would be bisexual. I find some men attractive, either physically or intellectually. However, I'd never hop into bed with a guy willingly. Nope, never. Not happening in this damn lifetime. I know friends who are married and attracted to women, but they don't want to have sex with another woman.

Most bisexual individuals are more attracted to the personality or "various other attributes and take note of gender afterwards" instead of caring whether they're bedding with a specific gender. It has nothing to really do with gender or orientation as much as it does what matters. And isn't that what we all want? To be loved for everything that we are and hope to be? The worst thing you can do is to demean someone who is bisexual, especially if you are gay. That's like telling your sister or brother that they're lesser than you are. It's not okay. It shouldn't be tolerated.

Resources:

Common Myths of Bisexuality, Bi's and Allies -- a caucus of Pride @ UIC

     http://www.uic.edu/depts/quic/bisandallies/myths.html

Image:

     http://idunnonews.wordpress.com/2012/06/12/gay-straight-or-neither/

Hero/Heroine

One of my best friend's favorite song is "Hero" by Mariah Carey and it's actually a song that I appreciate. Recently, I had the chance to be a hero. In the aftermath, I realized that we are each a hero in our own way. Why? Because sometimes, we have to be our own hero. What does it mean to actually be a hero?

Hero [he-ro, heer-oh] / Heroine  [her-o-ine, her-oh-in]

A man/woman of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his/her brave deeds and noble qualities.

A person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal.

The principle male/female character in a story, play, film, etc.

It means being brave for a split second longer than your dismay. You have to be able to think quickly and make decisions that can have serious implications. You may possibly even feel a sense of responsibility tied to the word "hero". There isn't anything wrong with that, because most people don't want to be a role model or to be a hero. In fact, most people will say "I was doing the right thing" and that's all they were thinking. But what happens when your expected hero (or anyone) doesn't come to save you?

That's when you "look inside you and be strong" because you "finally see the truth that a hero lies in you". Too much? Let's be honest: People will disappoint you. They will let you down. This is human nature because we are not perfect. Society is not perfect and flaws sometimes come out at the most inopportune times. There's nothing wrong with relying on other people, even though it can be difficult for people at times. I do not rely on people for many things and hate admitting I need help. Even then, for every day issues, I have to rely on my own abilities to keep me from falling between the cracks.

I take care of myself. To the best of my ability, of course. Society is going to judge me based off my voice, my clothes, my heritage, my attitude, and whatever else they believe they have the right to judge me by. Go for it. If judging me makes you feel better, fine. I'll consider you ignorant until you and I have a serious conversation about what I'm doing so wrong that you feel offended by me. But really, I don't expect anyone to come to my defense and "save" me from ignorant people who don't give me a chance.

I'm not a hero to anyone else. I haven't saved anyone from a burning building, or from drowning. I haven't been able to donate millions of dollars to a cause I truly believe in. I'm a simpleton. A homebody who enjoys reading actual paperback/hardback books, cooking dinner for those I love, playing with my dogs, and sleeping 12 hours a day if I can pull it off. I noticed suspicious activity, I reported it. Most heroes do nothing more than notice something wrong and do what they can to make it better.

You can be, and generally are, your own hero. When you can't find someone to help you, you must believe in yourself that you are all you need. You sometimes have to dig very deep, deeper than you think you can go, to find your hero and bring that person out. It's easy to get lost in ourselves, or others, but we must never ever give up on our selves. Nobody can tell you how to save yourself, it's something that is internal, completely and utterly raw. Don't give up on yourself just because you feel alone. If you could save one person in the world, wouldn't you do it?

Resources:

"Hero" by Mariah Carey via LyricsFreak.com, 2013

     http://www.lyricsfreak.com/m/mariah+carey/hero_20088486.html

Image: 

http://cauldronsandcupcakes.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/sometimes-you-have-to-be-your-own-hero.jpg

Lust and Love

This really isn't what I had in mind for posting, but it's something I already had typed up. Look, folks, I'm not an expert on anything, by any means. I'm lucky I can be considered a 'novice' on Guitar Hero. Love especially is not my forte. I'm happy to talk to you and listen and give what limited, biased advice I can give. But if you don't want to hear it, don't ask.

**DISCLAIMER**

While you may be a logical human being, I am more of an emotional human being. My thoughts may seem silly or frivolous, but I've managed to have one or two people love me for my silly thoughts (and because I'm a beast in bed). #DontJudgeMe

We all want to be loved. Right? It's a universal desire, it's embedded in our DNA somewhere, it has to be. We all want to experience the butterflies, the sweaty palms, the jumbled words that fly out of our mouth because we're so nervous, the bumping of foreheads when going in for the first kiss, the sickening cuteness that follows once the relationship is defined. Okay, so maybe we don't really want that, but we want the endorphins to flow like a waterfall and we want someone to be genuinely concerned for us, we want someone who knows that one text or call from them can change our entire day.

If you tell me you don't want that, fine. You're capable of writing love off all you want, apparently, and maybe you just have been burned too many times. But I assure you, when you find The One, your opinion on everything you've ever known and ever felt and ever wanted will change. People think that when "I" becomes "We", someone is losing their identity. Not necessarily. You can be with someone and say "we" as long as you still have "I" in your vocabulary.

"We saw that movie, it was pretty good."

"We ate there, the service sucked, but the food was amazing."

"We went there last year on vacation, we can't wait to go back!"

Those are perfectly normal comments to make. It shows that you and your SO enjoy things together, as a couple. Even yet, you can have different views.

"We looked at that car. I don't think it's my style, but she likes it."

"We went to the show last week. He absolutely hated it. I thought it was amazing!"

"We want to adopt a pet, but I want a dog and she wants a bird."

There's nothing wrong with any of that! You're thinking for yourself and that matters a lot. What also matters is who you are when you're alone and who you are when you're in a group together. You should be the same person. If you're someone else, there might be a problem. But is it you, them or the friends you're with?

You need your friends, your SO needs their friends, and you can share friends. Just be careful of the friend who is "too friendly". I'm not possessive, even though I've been tagged as such. I truly don't care who you text, who you talk to, who you spend your time with…to an extent. If they're a shady character who sends you inappropriate texts or flirts with you in front of me or makes me go on the defensive because of their inappropriate comments, we have some things to discuss. Or the friend who doesn't like me so they get pouty and it's a fight for your attention. I love you, but I'm not going to fight for your attention. I'll concede and let them have your attention. I know who you're going home with at the end of the night.

I'm quite aware that nobody wants to get into my pants and I think I'm alright with my situation. Nobody needs to be in my pants, especially without a belt. That doesn't take away from the fact that I am a hopeless romantic who can tend to be on the jealous side. Is that the Taurus in me? Eh…who's to say. Maybe it's a personality flaw. But it makes me who I am, right? Or am I just a prick who really is possessive under all my sincere concern?

These are things to consider when entering a relationship. Can you (and do you) think for yourself when this person is around? Do you get jealous or possessive on a consistent basis? (If you do, why?) Can you communicate honestly and openly? Can you compromise? If you say "yes" to most of these, I think you'll be alright.

When you find The One, you know. It's in the way they kiss you, the way your whole body is immediately electrified when you see them and how you strip them naked within the first 3 seconds of getting them in the house. Lust and Love are different things. Lust, it fades. It may come back, but it's never the same. It's like that AT&T commercial that I can't stand. "You want more, and you just want more because there's less so you want more and more and your parents won't give you more so you want more." Bane of my existence. But that's lust - you just want more and more, without concern for the other person. Love is a whole creature its own.

Love takes a lot of work and a lot of sweat and a lot of time. If love is easy, if you are complacent, are you in love anymore? When you love someone, you're going to argue with them and you're going to have to compromise. You're going to have to make hard decisions as a couple and as individuals. Love, sometimes, requires a fight…just to make sure that you're still in it. But don't push your luck, or you're going to push the love away and it will be replaced with silence and resentment. And neither of those feel good. For either party.

When you are willing to pass up game night with the gang to cuddle on the couch with your girl or are willing to order wings and a pizza for the game and watch it with your guy (and actually cheer and participate), then you're in love. When you wake up every morning, feel the bed next to you hoping they're there, you're in probably love. When you go to bed without them, but you stay awake texting them until you break your nose from dropping your phone on your face too many times, you're probably in love.

Love is different for each person. It's finding someone who has a similar idea of love that keeps you together. When you can see into the future and you see the two of you sitting on the porch, drinking your iced tea and lemonade, rocking in your rocking chairs, holding hands…congratulations. You're in love. 

Resilient

So for today's blog, I tossed around a couple of ideas. Gender roles and Defining relationships. I'll be honest, talking about either of those is hard to do (for me) without getting too personal and I'm seriously not in the mood to disclose that much. Instead, let's just talk, shall we?

As you've read (I hope) in my last two posts, there's a lot of damage and carnage going on in the state of Oklahoma. I've heard, here and there, that Kansas, Missouri and Texas also had some severe weather. Apparently it wasn't as dire as ours is and hasn't made national headlines. 

If you haven't noticed, or if you don't know me, I can be quite sensitive. It's an attribute that I don't like to express, but one that is very hard for me to hide and I've spent the better part of six months trying to bring it down a few notches. Compared to this time last year, I'm about 75% as sensitive as I was before. And maybe I'm giving myself more credit than I deserve, but I'm taking it because I have made positive changes worth considering since the beginning of the year.

Sensitive or not, I am still emotional. I may have the brain of a dude, but I still have the hormones of a girl. I may not have been immediately affected by the twister, but I was changed - even minutely - by my trip to Moore to help. I'm a people-person. I love to see people face-to-face. I'll Skype or FaceTime with just about anyone (and someone Skype'd with me tonight and prompted my unpublished thoughts on "defining relationships") and I'll go out of my way to see someone who needs a hug or something. I just operate better on that level. I also internalize a lot. I probably should have stuck to financial and goods donation.

I think, to some degree, any decent human being wants to help in one way or another. People think that positive thoughts/energy and prayer isn't enough. If that's all you can offer, please, don't let up until you've given every ounce that you have to give. You'd be surprised what a smile can do for someone. A hug, even. Just because you can't physically help with debris removal doesn't mean you aren't helping. I took off a bite way too big for me to chew by trying to go out there and volunteer my man power. I don't regret it, I wouldn't change it. I wanted to, I needed to. Just because the news and people in the area told me it looked like a "war zone" doesn't mean I understood what they meant. I am a tangible thinker. I HAVE to see it, feel it, take it in for myself, to understand it. That's why math and I don't get along.

Please, if you are in another state or you are unable to lift wood and plaster and deal with the sight of baby clothes and toys and cars being strewn about like they don't even matter, keep everyone in your thoughts. Don't give up hope, because I can guarantee you that Oklahoma is not giving up hope. We are resilient. The one word people are associating with us Okies is resilient and they are absolutely right.