How to Keep a Woman Happy

I've never dated a man so this is quite biased. If I have any readers who want to make a list of 10 things they know keep a man happy, please email me, text me, whatever and I'll get that up. If I get more than 10, I'll pick my favorites and post them. We all know there HAS to be more than sex, boobs, and booze that keeps guys happy.

How to Keep a Woman Happy (and get quality sex)

1) Always remember dates. Whether it be a lunch date, her birthday, or the first time you talked about that chick flick she wanted to see but never got to because tickets were sold out and now the movie is out at RedBox. 

2) Flirt with her more than your shower curtain does. If you shower together or she complains about how the curtain touches her ass more than you do, step up your game and get fresh with her from time to time. But keep it interesting and tasteful. 

3) ANSWER YOUR PHONE! Whether text or phone call. ANSWER YOUR PHONE!

4) Send her cute memes. Nothing too mushy, unless you're both mushy people and you know she'll love it. Make her laugh; that's a big key to making her happy and getting lucky later on.

5) Be creative. Girls do actually like homemade gifts. It shows you put thought into something. You aren't a self-centered lazy bum who eats Cheetos off your stomach. 

6) Pamper her. Learn how to soak her feet and apply nail polish. Give her a REAL massage. If you do it right, you can turn a neck massage into a sensual romp in the sheets. 

7) ANSWER YOUR PHONE!

8) Don't correct her. Just. Don't. And don't you dare make a face or sigh or breathe weird or look somewhere else or fidget. Keep a straight face, hold eye contact and wait for her to say something else. 

9) When you screw up (and you will) flowers are not always the answer. Every woman is different. She may like tickets to a concert or making her favorite dinner or a hot shower ready for her when she gets home. Do what you know will get you off the hook, shows you are sorry and care. You may not know what the hell you did, but at least you care enough to make it right. Just don't do it again. 

10) ANSWER YOUR FUCKING PHONE!!! You don't listen to her ringtone, you don't send her to voicemail then text her "busy, what up?" You answer that shit before she even calls. You respond to that text message the second you receive it. If you want to see what the child of Satan and the exorcist looks like, make an impatient (and/or clingy/needy) woman wait for you to acknowledge her existence longer than 4 seconds. 

This list is not inclusive or exclusive and should be tailored to YOUR woman. Not all women are the same and YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT to avoid castration, sleeping on the couch or, in extreme cases, death.