Expectations

Expectations exist for all people; young, old, male, female. They exist on our own standards, societal standards and familiar standards. No matter where you turn, something is expected of you. Today, I'm going to hit on some expectations that involve all of that.

Expectations of self: As a trans man, I expect so much of myself that sometimes, I create unnecessary stress. I expect to be seen as a man and when I'm not, I feel like a bit of a failure. It stems from a softer, more feminine voice than a guy should have; having a round face and body, a more feminine looking face and body make it harder to "pass" as a guy.

Expectations from society: Along with having a feminine voice and body, I think society also expects me to fit into a mold that I cannot fit into. I may have been born with female chromosomes, but there is nothing in this world that could ever make me feel comfortable in this skin. I spent 19 years trying to make that happen. Society sometimes expects me, as a man, to be strong, know a lot about tools and cars, fight and love sports to the point that I bleed the teams colors. I can be strong, mentally and physically…but not all the time. I know enough about tools and cars to get by, but I'm certainly sub-par than a couple of my female friends who can put a carburetor together with their eyes closed. I'm not a fan of fighting, unless it's MMA or boxing and I don't bleed purple, black, white, crimson, cream, blue and orange all at the same time. I love sports, I'm a loyal fan to say the least, but I'm not about to punch somebody because their team kicked my teams ass. Expectations from society can be tricky as some people view me as a female and some view me as a male. Finding out how I am viewed is very important in how I respond and interact. Many guys don't want to be perceived as girly and sometimes, I do slip up and say something that most guys probably wouldn't say. It's usually not intentional, but it comes out from time to time. That's just a very fine line that I think someone walks their whole life until they learn to not care what society thinks. I, unfortunately, am not there yet…but I know I will someday get there. 

Expectations from my family: I can't 100% say what expectations they have for me. Neither can they because it's so basic. Handle my shit, basically. Take care of myself, mentally, financially, emotionally and physically. Make sure I pay my bills on time and make sure I reach out when I need something, anything. Most of all, they expect me to be true to myself, be proud of who I am, and be a good person. We all know, especially my close friends, that I can be an ass at times and that can be overlooked, but as long as I'm not the jerk wearing five polos at a time, with every single collar popped while I wear two chains and pimp glasses, we'll be good. 

Expectations are simply a part of life. The key is to find people who will support, respect, accept and encourage you. When you add those people to your innate comfort, confidence and accept your shortcomings, you are set to exceed expectations. Don't give up, don't back down. 

Is That Gonna Leave A Mark?

Surgery. It's huge in general. For any reason, for most people. But what happens when it's something you've wanted since puberty first kick you in the ass? Let me tell you allllll about it!
Now, please keep in mind that I am about to say something that many have scoffed at and isn't exactly...sensitive. But I don't mean it like that. This is something that crossed the mind of a 12-13 year old who had no clue what was going on or why and just wanted it to all stop.
Breast cancer is not funny and I, as an adult, am aware of its consequences. However, when I was a very early teenager, I wished I'd get breast cancer so my boobs wouldn't develop. I didn't know how it worked and didn't understand. All I wanted was to stop the female puberty I was experiencing because it was literally the most terrifying thing that I had ever experienced. I also wished for glasses and braces as a kid. I only "achieved" the goal of getting glasses. 
It wasn't easy but I managed to survive it. It being puberty. It didn't kill me, but there were times, and an insane amount of times since, where I thought it would. Being a bigger trans guy simply meant that it was a little easier to pass with people thinking I had "man boobs." It didn't make it any easier on me knowing the truth beneath my clothes. I won't say that I hate my body because I actually find myself semi-attractive. Attractive enough to not constantly fish for compliments or anything. But I will admit that I have some aspects that are not ideal.
Aside from getting cancer that would result in a doctor removing my manly man boobs, as I do not want to wish that upon myself or anyone else, surgery is the only way to sculpt a more pleasing chest. The questions that arise when you become conscious of this desire (and of age to have it done) are almost never-ending. What doctor do I go to? Are they local? What's the cost? Do I have to stay at the hospital? Can I afford it? Can I get off work? Will I lose sensation in my nipples? And many, many more questions. I've been asking myself these questions for 14 years.
It takes a lot of research. You have a lot of things to consider. The biggest for me personally is actually a tie between cost, location and scarring. If I'm going to spend $7,000 on a new chest, I want it to look good and I don't want any of those deep red/purple scars that can come along with the surgery. I'm willing to travel most anywhere in the US. I'm willing to spend around $10,000.
One question, you might have and I have only been asked once by someone not involved in the decision making process... "what about bottom surgery?" I will be honest with you guys: I don't trust the technology and technique yet. It's getting there, I believe. Maybe in a few years, as the surgery is perfected and science advances, but I'm not prepared for that yet. And I sure as hell am not getting skin grafts from my abdomen or thighs. HELL NAH. First, that shit is painful. Second, those scars are gnarly to say the least. Third, it is extremely expensive and there are so many options that it overwhelms me at times.
Not all trans guys need or want surgery. Some are lucky enough to have small chests to begin with and by simply working out, they can make the pectoral muscles stronger and make the chest firmer. Add some T, whether it be shots, gel, pills or a patch, and you're bound to have a more masculine chest than without. Some guys are more FTN which is Female to Neutral to where they don't necessarily want to be a guy, but they don't want to be a woman. That's a new concept that I discovered tonight and have done very light research so please forgive my current ignorance on the term.
Alas, for most of us, it is a very important part of our gender affirmation. It's something that is absolutely necessary when it comes to transitioning completely. For me, for this guy right here, I want to have surgery. I need to have my surgery. In my perception of what it means to be a man, what it means for me to be complete, I need to have a chest that - scars or not - can't be seen as man boobs or anything like that. It's simply part of my identity and I am excited to have it.

Resources for your own research:
http://www.chicagoftmtopsurgery.com/ (found this gem today - I'm very interested in this surgeon)
http://www.ftmguide.org/chest.html (the first site I used to learn about being trans and transitioning)
http://www.drgarramone.com/ (many many many people speak his praise, also considering him)
http://www.newbeginningsretreat.com (AMAZING facility - most rooms are booked through 2014)

Amnesia and Coping

Watch the corresponding videos:

part one

part two

part three

August 4, 2013

9:41 PM CST

I write this for my blog, so people who read it will get an inside look at what it's like to have amnesia. But honestly, I write it for myself, my heart and my memory.

Amnesia isn't the curse of curses, but in the moment, it sure feels like something in the universe is out to get you. Around 10:18 pm, May 4, 2012, I was driving with Rachel after seeing The Avengers in IMAX at The Warren. We got hit on the passenger side (I was driving) and were pushed from the inside lane (closest to the curb) to oncoming traffic (the outer lane). I had enough wits about me to get us back into the outer lane of our correct direction of traffic. In the chaos, Rachel's glasses flew on the floor and our phones went down. Fortunately, neither driver was operating their phone and driving, even though they were present in the cars.

An off-duty nurse came upon the accident and we all got to the side of the road. Rachel and I just kinda sat there and let the shock slowly come to us. Her car was totaled without a doubt. We even captured a picture to remember the moment. I don't remember taking the picture. We got a ride to my house and I had a slight headache, but didn't think much of it. I was stressed out! We had just been in a major car accident and I felt responsible for totaling a car that wasn't mine. We ended up at the Tecumseh Ave campus where my life took on a whole new outlook.

I started to feel very drowsy in the waiting room as the staff was more concerned with Rachel's injuries. Made sense to me, she had a massive bruise that cropped up within ten minutes of the accident. She went back first and after I was processed through Triage, I went to my room. I rolled over to my side and I ended up dozing off. When I woke up, I was in a strange place with someone asking me how I was feeling. I asked her where I was, when I got there, why I was there…I even asked her if it was an April Fool's joke. Turns out…my life had changed forever.

After testing, slight agitation and freaking out, I finally got to see my mom's face. I was able to calm down and things were very slowly pieced back together. I had heard Rachel's voice for about an hour or so, but was not allowed to see her even though the staff asked me about her every five minutes. It was the only comforting thing I experienced until my mom got there. When I finally got to see this comforting voice matched with a face, it was heartbreaking.

The woman I had come to know for nearly a year, who I was insanely and happily in love with, had instantly become a stranger. I searched her eyes and her face, trying to place how I knew her. Try as I might, I couldn't. It hurt, it made me cry. She held it together. I could read her eyes enough to tell it pained her some that I didn't recognize her. I was able to get some time alone with her while my mom talked to the doctor. I asked her questions and tried to make sense of it with her. 

We had two options that night. To go our separate ways or she could come home with me. I was intensely drawn to her so I asked her to go home with me. I wanted to ask her questions, I wanted to get to know her. It was quite surprising to me to learn I had moved back in with my mom after being on my own for nearly three years. My dog Lucy had grown and her hair was darker. Spencer had so much more white on his body. Emmy had a growth on her paw that I didn't remember. My life was a complete 180 from what I remembered.

In the days that followed, there was meeting with a lawyer, calls from insurance companies, negotiating time off and pay from work and re-introducing myself to people I had grown very close to. I don't think that anyone realized how bad things truly were until they saw me. When I saw the faces of people I worked with and was unable to place them, it hurt my heart. Seeing their reactions to my confusion, I believe, caused them discomfort and pain as well. But, nonetheless, they were amazing and were slow-going with me. They gave me time, allowed me to come to them, and we were able to very slowly rebuild our friendships. But even with that, things were not the same.

I was unable to remember simple things like phone numbers I had previously memorized. I was forgetting to go to doctor appointments. Simple tasks became ordeals for me. I had, at times, the mentality of a child. To be an adult, I pretended that I had everything under control. The only time I couldn't convince anyone, myself included, was when I had my migraines. They would bring me to a sudden halt. There was very little warning I was about to get one and when it hit, there was no amount of medicine that could make it better. There was literally nothing that could be done to bring me comfort.

I had stopped talking to people. I essentially allowed the amnesia to run my life and keep me form reaching out. I felt like a burden and I wasn't able or ready to admit that I couldn't do it on my own. It all came to a head in October when all stability I had known was gone. I wasn't seeing people every day due to unemployment. I wasn't emotionally strong and I allowed fear to harm me. Even with employment in November, my outlook was bleak. I wasn't sure that I would be able to see everything through like I hoped. Relationships were ending, friendships were failing and I let it happen.

I had been told that most memories were expected to return within one week. It was now December and I had only recovered about 60% of my memories. Come February and March, I'd say about 75% had come back. By this point, I was remembering something maybe once every other week. In the beginning, around June and July of 2012, I was remembering several things a day. Since March 2013, I have remembered maybe three specific memories. I've recovered no more than 80% of my memory. 

There are going to be things, people and places that I never remember. A lot of the things I remember came from visiting a place or a joke or a conversation that seemed familiar to me. The epiphany type of memories have ceased even though they were the most common form of memory for me. This time last year, I didn't even have an idea what my life would be like. Looking to the future, this time next year, I have aspirations and I know the direction I am taking.

Amnesia happened to me. It does not define me or what I stand for. It has made me stronger in many aspects and has given me the ability to see challenges from a different light. I share my story with you, in these bits and pieces, hoping that you'll find some form of relativity. We do not have all the answers, none of us do. And people may have thought I had a mental retardation based off my inability to be cohesive in my thoughts and speaking patterns when simply, I was confused and didn't remember conversations.

The people who stood by me in my absolute darkest hours (and months) are the people I cherish the most. They are part of my story. They are part of my strength. They are part of my soul.

Common Misconceptions

Watch the video on this topic here.

I get it. We all misunderstand things from time to time and, often, it's not a big deal. But when you judge someone or a group of people based off these misconceptions, things get sticky. These are some of the biggest misconceptions I've noticed against the transgender community.

1. Trans guys are lesbians if they date women.
1. Not always true. I was born a woman and see myself as a man. When it comes to dating, I prefer to date women thus making me straight.
2. Trans guys dislike female anatomy.
1. Not always true. As previously mentioned, I prefer women (implying I appreciate their anatomy...which I sure do) Gender and sexuality are not one in the same. Not all gay men are repulsed by female anatomy. It just depends on previous experience, expectations, desire and personality.
3. Transgender people are mentally ill.
1. As of 2010, being transgender is no longer a mental illness. It is considered Gender Dysphoria. Anxiety is not a mental illness and neither is depression, but they are two aspects of being transgender that are extremely common, moreso than in the general public.
4. Trans guys are white.
1. Not true! There are a lot of white trans men, but that doesn't mean it is exclusive to any race or races. Transgender people range from every continent to every class to every race. It's not something that clings to one area of the universe like a disease. It's as natural and indiscriminate as having blue eyes.

There will be a SECOND video and a SECOND blog post for this topic as I had a lot more to say than expected. Stay tuned!

What it's Like Dating a Trans Man (Transcript)

So, a while back, I asked you guys for your questions on what it's like to date a trans guy. There were some interesting questions asked and every question was answered. We broke up the responses into two videos (part one, part two -must be watched on computer-).
I'd like to thank you guys for asking sensitive and thoughtful questions and I hope you got valuable answers. I'd also like to thank Rachel for taking the time and he willingness to answer.
In case you aren't able to watch them, here is the transcript.

Do you consider yourself straight or gay since your partner is a natural-born female? Straight

Does him being trans make you question your own sexuality? No

What are some of the challenges you've faced? (what are some of your struggles dating a trans guy?) What's the most difficult part of dating a trans guy? Being open with my family

Would you ever consider breaking up with your boyfriend for someone less complicated (a natural-born male?) No

What is the most important thing you have learned since being with a trans man?  Respect? Cuz you should have it with everyone regardless of whatever. The struggle comes when people choose a "different life path" than "normal"

How has your perspective on equal rights changed  since being romantically involved with a transgender man? No

What qualities do you think it takes to be with a trans person? The same qualities it takes to be with any person? Maybe a stronger will, patience, courage...if you're looking at it from the outside worlds perspective of it not being "normal".

What are the differences in dating a natural male vs. a transgender guy? Physical body parts

Do you two ever get  offended with each other because you think too much like women? No

If you think longterm together, how do you see the family dynamic? Would you have kids together? Who would carry the baby? Would you tell them the whole story when they got older? Husband/wife. Father/mother.  Maybe on kids..depends on age. I would carry. Yes

Does the prospect of your partner having surgery scare you? Yes, just as any surgery would. Complications etc are always a possibility with major surgery.

Would you rather your partner keep their same body or have surgery? I would like my partner to do whatever makes him happy and comfortable and keeps him healthy

Would you leave your partner if the surgery was unsuccessful or didn't end up as hoped? No

Are you included in the decisions pertaining to his future transitioning? Where do you stand on hormones and surgery? Yes. It's not for me, it's all for him. I support whatever he needs to be happy.

Do you get uncomfortable when your partner is called ma'am and the like? Yes, it's not natural.

Do you and your guy talk about his struggles? Mostly, there are times when he wants to work through things on his own and isn't ready to talk. It doesn't do any good to push, supporting and patience...communication is key in a relationship.

When you first met, did you think your guy was a girl? Girl bc we met at work where he was

required to use his legal name which was female. Without a name, I assumed guy.

Would you have known your guy was transgendered if he hadn't told you? Yes

How did you initially handle the news? Already knew

Are you willing to give him shots for the rest of his life? Yes

Binding and Passing

My latest video will be up later today, but I want to get this out as soon as possible because the NEXT video depends solely on YOU!! The CoJaRi team wants to answer YOUR questions that you may have on what it's like to date someone who is trans. Do you want to know if their views on equality change? Do you want to know what the hardest part of dating a trans person is? Whatever your question, we want to answer it. Feel free to comment here or the video, message me on facebook, text or email me, do whatever you need to get my attention and we will do our best to answer all the questions we receive. 

Legend: T is Testosterone. Pre-T is Pre-testosterone. Pre-op is Pre-operation.

On to binding and passing. Binding is a very useful tool when trying to pass or assimilate to living as a male. There are multiple combinations of good binding out there, it all depends on preference, cost and chest size. I use a binder that has a compressive front and a mesh back to wick away sweat when I get hot. You can get them, most commonly, in three styles: sports bra, midsection and tanktop. You can also get one that secures by velcro, zipper or pullover. I personally wear a tanktop because it's more my style and fits my body type better. You can also wear a sports bra and then layer shirts, most tight to most loose. Be careful to not overheat yourself with the layering method.

A couple of other ways people try to bind, especially in the beginning or when they don't have the resources to get a proper binder, is to use duct tape and/or Ace bandages. I've used both and they hurt like hell. You can get them both way too tight and it becomes difficult to move and breathe. Duct tape can rip layers of skin off, even when you peel it off slowly. With any binder, if it is too tight and worn for extended periods of time (longer than 8 hours or so per most websites), liquid can form on your lungs and cause many health issues. You'll have labored breathing, need to have the fluid drained if it doesn't go away on its own, and permanent breathing issues. There can also be bad bruising on your ribs.

Passing is 98% confidence. Whatever you project into the world is what people will pick up on and acknowledge. Be comfortable, confident and yourself and you have down the majority of passing, with or without T. I don't take T, but I am able to grow facial hair. I know it's a huge part of how I identify. When I shave, I feel naked and look really young. We convey who we are and sometimes our happiness is attached to how well we pass when we are pre-T and pre-op.

Growing up, my best friend was a boy so I learned from the age of four how young boys acted. As a teenager, I observed how guys acted, talked and used their body language. It wasn't necessarily easy to imitate a guy's mannerisms, but I worked on it best I could. It's the best way I can recall learning how to pass on my own. Some guys choose to not pass, they're happy with their body and they don't want to grow facial hair or other masculine features. 

Transitioning is different for every person. Own your transition and be proud of where you've come from. When you free your mind of doubt and insecurities, you'll see so many open doors and happiness coming your way.


Resources:
Hudson's Guide: FTM Binding: Creating a Male-Looking Chest
     http://www.ftmguide.org/binding.html

The Art of Transition, FTM Transition -- 5 Chest Binding Methods, posted by Alex, September 2012
     http://theartoftransition.net/ftm-transition-5-chest-binding-methods/

The Art of Transition, Top 8 Chest Binding Dangers  FTM Transition, posted by Alex, September 2012
     http://theartoftransition.net/chest-binding-dangers-ftm-transition/

wikihow, How to Pass As a Male (For FTMs)
     http://www.wikihow.com/Pass-As-a-Male-(For-FTMs)

Places to buy/research binders:
http://ftm.underworks.com/
http://www.lesloveboat.com/shop/index.php

Support: Part Three

Watch my video here.

I'm sorry for the delay. It's been a busy weekend. I've completed the videos for this series, now I'll complete the blog for this series.

One must be able to rely on their own innate ability to care for their own well-being. Being strong of mind and body helps you to be strong financially and otherwise. It helps you take care of yourself and be independent. Having friends and family around to care for you is wonderful and sometimes a luxury. But the confidence one gains when they are aware they can take care of themselves is very empowering. I think, at times, we underestimate how important we are to ourselves. I know I discredit myself a lot more than I should. I have skills, love, confidence, happiness and knowledge I can share with the world.

However, sometimes I'm not always able to see those good parts in me. I think that we all struggle with that at times. All we need to do is realize our worth. Realize that we have everything we need inside ourselves. Encouragement is necessary at times, yes, but if we are unable to dig deep and find the strength and courage we need, we can accomplish so many great things.

Relying on myself has been a struggle, but something I have yearned for since I was young. Wanting to get my own drinks as a kid, to driving myself to wherever I needed to go as a teenager, to wanting to move out of my mom's house. I've always been antsy, unable to patiently wait for others. It's not them I get frustrated with. I believe it's part of a projection I send out because I don't want to be late, I don't want to be the hold up for a group of people. So, I've done what I can to better myself and become a continual improvement from before. It isn't always easy, but I try and that's all you can do. Try. You'll find your own way, your own strength, your own self-reliance.

At the end of the day, nobody can save you but yourself. 

Support: Part Two

Watch my video on helping friends support you here.

I tried to make the second part of the series about support from friends and outside sources from your family. There are so many ways to support a trans person, so I kept it short and hit on the points that really made a difference for me...and that mattered.

1. Self educate yourself.
1. If you're trying to support someone (whether they be gay, bi, trans, cis, depressed, suffer from PTSD) the very best thing you can do is educate yourself. Use your tools: the internet, the library, groups. If you take the time to learn for yourself, your friend will see that you care about them and want to support them
2. Ask questions.
1. Asking questions means you have a general knowledge, but want to know how the situation affects your friend specifically. When someone asks me questions, I'm 9 times out of 10 very eager to answer them. Knowing that you are concerned enough to ask intelligent questions makes me trust you a little bit more and appreciate your friendship tenfold.
3. Have respect for privacy. And in general.
1. In the event that I'm asked a deeply personal question that I'm not ready to talk about, I will decline to answer. When I have an answer that I'm comfortable with sharing (sometimes that 'when' becomes an 'if') I will initiate the conversation again and provide that answer. If your question is just ridiculous and unnecessary, I'm going to chew you out for it. Don't be rude, don't be nosey. Have respect for me as a person and my privacy and I will respect you exactly the same. If you have a trans friend, specifically, be kind and refer to them as their identified gender. If you forget or can't handle switching the pronouns, just use their chosen name. I LOVE to hear my name, so I'm less bothered when my friends slip up because most of them slip in my name instead of "he" or "she". I LOVE YOU GUYS!
4. Don't assume you know everything.
1. You don't. If you've never suffered from PTSD, you don't know why triggers work the way they do or how a trigger even becomes a trigger. If you're into the opposite sex only, when you meet someone who is bi and likes both sexes, you may not understand how that is possible. When you assume, you just make an ass out of yourself because you're allowing yourself to look stupid more than ignorant of the facts.
5. Treat them the same.
1. If you treat someone different just because you find out their situation, you may need to reconsider why you're their friend. Losing friends sucks, but it's a fact of life. If someone you know is depressed and you start treating them different (in a negative manner), it doesn't help them any. If you're going to belittle them, make them feel like an outcast, then you need to move on with yourself and never come back. If you don't care enough about your friend to help them or treat them better than you were before, then you need to at least have respect and walk away before making them feel even worse about themselves.

That's really it. If you can do these five simple things, you will increase your value in somebody's life at least double. People sometimes lose family because of their situation. I have been fortunate to gain more friends and seen relationships strengthen and grow because of my ability to be open and honest. Also, because my friends have enough respect for me to at least try and use masculine pronouns, I have much more respect for them. You'd be so surprised what that tiny gesture can do to a person who is trans.

Support: Part One

Watch my video on gaining support from your family here.

Support is utterly important. I'm going to try and focus on the support of family since I got off topic in my video and talked a little more about the support from society.

I came out to my mother when I was 19. I came out to my father when I was 22. Unfortunately, my father didn't live long enough to see me become Colby. He didn't even know I had chosen a name. Part of me regrets that, but part of me also knows that one of the reasons I fight so hard for equality and trans rights is because I didn't learn from him everything I had hoped I would. He may not have won Dad of the Year awards and he may not have always been an active dad in the lives of his children, but for the last 10 years of his life, he tried harder (at least from my prospective) than he had in the last 20-30 years of his children's lives. 

I will honestly say that I have not been shunned or turned away by my family because of who I am...at least not vocally. There has never been a conversation with any of my siblings, aunts, uncles or cousins that specifically stated because of my "lifestyle" they want nothing to do with me. I have assumed as much, to be honest, but I can neither confirm nor deny such an assumption.

In the beginning, my mom went to a couple PFLAG meetings with me held at a local church (St. Stephen's Methodist Church) where I came in contact with my first transwoman. Her name is Elizabeth. Shortly after meeting her, she and her fiance/wife moved to Utah to start over and create a chapter of PFLAG there. After that, I pretty much did everything on my own. I did my own research, my own coming of age if you will. I didn't have a role model, no solid male to shadow, no trans friends to help me transition. I did it all by myself.

My mom and I were open with each other. She asked questions, she quietly let me know of her concerns and told me she would do what she could to support me. I can't be sure how my siblings found out. After being in an accident in 2012, I lost my memory back to 2008 and those conversations just aren't in my memory bank anymore. I do remember explaining it to my youngest brother one night when he straight up asked me if I was a lesbian. I figured that he was 10, he asked and I wasn't about to lie to him. I don't remember how he took it because it probably never came up. I've only seen him a handful of times since then, and haven't talked to him in over a year, but it's not due to me being me. 

My older brother Jeff has known since I was 20 because he went on a trip with me to Virginia and we had the discussion. It was the first time I had told anyone outside of my mom how I really felt. He knew, but then again, he's just intuitive like that. Maybe it helped that he and I are so much alike. My brother Mike, also older, has never had any problems with it. His main issue is the name. And I get that. I would rather have my family want to call me CJ and accept me for who I am than to completely disown me or disrespect me on all levels. My older brothers have been very accepting and very helpful in making me feel comfortable and even, whether they know it or not, being role models in their own ways.

Family also extends beyond the realm of blood. I have some friends who have been considered to be part of my family since junior high. Basically, if you know my mom and you call her Ma or Mom, you're family. When you start to come over just to see her and not because of something we are doing, you're family. With my friends who are like family, they may sometimes stumble with the masculine pronouns, but they almost always catch themselves and fix it or just throw "Colby" in to make it right. I love them and I adore them for that. It shows so much respect and the fact that they are trying that hard makes me want to love them even harder than I already do.

You may not always have support like I have. And if you don't, it's okay. You are better than that. You deserve support and respect and love. If you aren't getting it, contact me and I'll be there. I've done it on my own - by choice - and it was not easy. I wish I had been more honest growing up, once I realized there was a name for what I was feeling inside. I wish I had reached out more and sooner because things may have been different for me. Your family may not understand and I know how hard it can be to be patient with them, but you have to. A lot of time, they feel that they're losing their son/daughter and it takes a while to realize that they are gaining a happier, healthier son/daughter when you are able to be who you truly are and when you are finally comfortable in your own skin. Be you. Own it. Own it hard.

What's in a Name?

I have started doing videos now. I believe I informed you all of that in my last blog, but I don't ave a transcript for my most recent video. As you can tell between the two, the first was scripted and the second was not. I'm hoping to develop my style and my ability to talk as if I'm talking with friends when I do them. Here's what I need though: IDEAS. Things to talk about, questions to answer. Anything. I want it to be more of an adventure we take together than solely a look into the life of a trans person. So, please, comment on my videos, message me on facebook/twitter, call me, text me...just be a part of this amazing adventure we should go on together. Own it. Own it hard. Watch my latest video. 

Names. What's in a name besides consonants, vowels and maybe the occasional punctuation. It's very important to pick a name that is you, that fits who you are and who you want to be. I picked Colby because it fit better than the other names I played around with for at least 4 years. I settled on James for my middle name because of my grandfather. He was a hero of mine when I was growing up. I really wanted to be like him when I grew up. And an unknown fact: Richardson comes from Anita, the woman he was married to when my mom was adopted. I didn't like the way Colby sounded with Burns (my dad's last name) or Garner (my mom's last name) so I went for a name that goes back to the beginning of my lineage that fits and made sense to me. I liked the initials CJR better, too. CoJaRi Productions also sounds a lot better to me. :)

Everyone sees and hears and remembers and associates names differently. I didn't choose James as a first name because James ALWAYS reminds me of James and the Giant Peach and takes me back to when I was 10 and visited my dad in Kansas for the first time. Not a bad memory, but not one I want to think of every single time I hear my name. When I hear the name Colby, I think of myself. I think of the moment that I saw my name written out for the first time by myself, again when I got my social security card, the first piece of mail I got...and I remember the first time anyone called me Colby...and the first time I heard my full name. Names mean different things to everyone. To me, Colby means loyalty, honesty, humor, sincerity, challenge, love, friendship, strength, courage, independence, crazy, adventure, family, determination. Colby means Me.

16 States and More -video-

The following is the transcript from my vblog titled "16 States and More" published 06.20.2013

If you'd like to watch the video, please click here.

I love you, my orange peanuts. Until next time. 

"Let every man be respected as an individual and no man idolized." - Albert Einstein

Hey guys. It's Colby here. I just wanted to do my first video today and get the ball rolling on this video blog and everything like that. Today we're gonna talk about Transgender Non-discrimination facts. This may get a bit political as I'm a little bit passionate about it and I'll probably get off topic, but I'll do my best to reign myself in, alright? Don't judge me.

As you may know, a few days ago, Governor Markell of Delaware signed a transgender nondiscrimination act that will prohibit discrimination stemming from bias based on gender identity. This is an awesome accomplishment for the trans community. Adding Delaware to the list of 16 states, including Washington DC, to sign something similar. With bills like this, a trans person cannot be discriminated against when it comes to housing, public accommodations, insurance and employment. Employment and insurance are HUGE steps in which the trans community is trying to make changes to right now. That's not to say that public accommodations, housing, school, credit, things like that aren't as important. But these two things are what the trans community really, really needs right now. We just, we have to have it. I know there's been a lot of opposition for it. For example, many opponents called this the "Bathroom Bill" and were upset about the safety of women and children. I get that, I mean, I do. But as a general rule, trans are not  sexually deviant. They're not generally rapist or things like that. In fact, a lot of them are rape victims of some kind, or some kind of abuse. THat's not for everybody, but, in the experience and the social networking that i've done, that kinda tends to be the case. Here's the thing though: Trans people don't want to molest people just because they want to be the opposite sex. When I used the men's bathroom in the Denver airport, it wasn't to look at a guy or anything like that, it was because I had to go to the bathroom. I was about to board a three and a half hour flight to Charlotte. I'm not going to use the lavatory on a plane because they're tiny and I'm claustrophobic. I just don't want to go there. On to support for things like this. I'm really glad to see Beau Biden, who is the son of Joe Biden, coming out as a strong supporter. We need more support and we need more vocal support that can actually make things happen. It's nice to have celebrities support trans equality like they do gay equality, but at the end of the day, what we need is we need society to support us and we need politicians to support us because they're the ones that make things happen. My mom is not a die-hard conservative, but she certainly is more conservative than I am. But she supports me. She supports my rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. She wants me to get married, she wants me to have a family and God only knows how many nights she has stayed awake worrying about me, wondering if I'm okay, hoping that I am strong enough to face the hardships that I have to face by being a trans person. Everybody needs that support and if society were just a little more lenient - which I think we're going in that direction. We're going in the right direction where laws like this won't need to be made. A straight man can walk into a bathroom and not worry is he breaking the law? He can go into a mens bathroom. For me, I identify as a guy. Why do I fear going into a bathroom? I shouldn't have that fear. I shouldn't be afraid of someone beating me up. I don't necessarily have that fear, but I am afraid of getting caught because of what society is going to think of me. They're going to think "What a sicko" "What a freak" and if you know me, you know that's not me. I'm wayyy off topic. Let's get back on track. Sorry about that. 

Little tidbit I don't think many people know: Federal courts from the 1970s through the 1990s generally denied sex-discrimination claims brought by transgender people? Completely denied. Shut down. Not acknowledged as a matter worth dealing with. Within the 16 states that provide protection against - or protection for - transgender people, "gender identity" is a protected characteristic. Which basically means that however your identify, you're protected. That covers… what are the 16 states? CO, CA, DE, HI, IL, IA, MD, ME, MN, NM, NJ, NC, OR, RI, VT, WA, DC. I think that's 17. I counted on my fingers, that's 17. Now, that's what's in all of them. And they're all a little different, which is good. It kind of suits the need of the state which is very important. Now, in CO, IL, MN, ME, OR, WA laws prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation, and include gender identity or expression which I think is awesome. Because no matter how you relate, whether you're gay, straight or whatever, you're still protected. Which is definitely a step in the right direction. Rock on to those states. CA goes a little bit farther to protect trans people by including gender identity within the statutory definition of sex. So, if I lived in CA, I would be, in the eyes of the law, a man. I may not  - and I'm not sure if that means if you've had your surgery or not, but my interpretation because of how I identify. Which, rock on. According to the National Center for Lesbian Rights, NCLR; CA, CO, DE IL, IA, ME, MN, NJ, NM, OR, RI, VT, DC and Washington state prohibit discrimination against employment. Why I like this law is because it can help a trans person not only get a job but KEEP a job once they get it. If you start a job as one sex, like for example if I started a job as Megan, I could transition into Colby and I would not be discriminated against for that. Which, is something that Oklahoma doesn't have but they need. I've been through that and it's not a comfortable thing to go through. This law can even protect them so they can even use the restroom consistent with their gender at work. I could've used the mens bathroom, not that I would have wanted to, but that's what you can do. Which is really cool. And I've noticed, filling out applications, that there are many places that do not even ask for your gender anymore. You can offer that information, it's completely optional. I'm not sure if that's a federal law that's going out or if it's companies just adapting to that. It's pretty cool, I like that. I can walk into a place and be like "Hey, I'm Colby" and maybe they can tell form my voice that I'm not on hormones, maybe not. It doesn't really matter because at the end of the day, I am who I am. My gender does not tell you or does not define how good of an employee I will be. I think it's very important to have that kind of protection. more in the workplace than society. I would rather be protected more at work than I would at an airport. I think the reason ro that being is because so much of our lives are centered around our jobs, our careers. And if I'm not in a safe environment, I don't think I want to work there. It's very important to me. 

I guess that's really all that I have. I just wanna close by saying I am a person. I deserve to be treated as such. Unless I'm a complete douchebag to you, then you can't treat me like a douchebag. I feel like with these laws that is taking a lot of the judgment away. Because I know that my presence as a trans person - my presence in general because I don't identify as a trans person, I identify as a man and I have for many years. I'm a man and my presence in society is not hindering your quality of life in any way. It's not hindering anybody's quality of life at all. All I'm doing is the same thing that everybody else is doing. I have hopes, I have dreams. I want to get married, have a family, have a career that I love, I want the American dream. And I'm an American. I get - I have the right - to earn that. When I'm being discriminated against, that makes it a lot harder. On the wayside, that makes it a lot more gratifying when I do accomplish something. But I just want to be able to do something without having to go through 30 hoops when a "normal" person only has to go through two. Why should I be forced to go through more, be forced to prove more of who I am to somebody? It's none of your business. 

I'm done. Thank you for watching. Like. Share. Comment. Do nothing. Whatever you want. But walk away with this one thing: Just know, that no matter what, I love you. 

Resources:

"Delaware Governor Markell Signs Transgender Nondiscrimination Act", The New Civil Rights Movement, Jean Ann Esselink, 2013

     http://thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/delaware-governor-markell-signs-transgender-nondiscrimination-act/legislation/2013/06/19/69092

"State by State Guide to Laws That Prohibit Discrimination Against Transgender People", National Center for Lesbian Rights, 2010

     http://www.nclrights.org/site/DocServer/StateLawsThatProhibitDiscriminationAgainstTransPeople.pdf?docID=7821

Father's Day -weekend edition-

Sunday, June 15, 2008

My dad went into the hospital for a routine surgery. It was Father's Day. Per usual, I got him a card and went to see him. Cards were our way of communicating. He was the perfect card-picker for me. We had a good heart-to-heart convo and I told him to let go, that we would take care of him. Little did I know that I wouldn't talk to my father again. 

Monday, June 16, 2008

I missed seeing him that day. Promised I'd visit him but I didn't make it to the hospital. I didn't call either; got up and went to work. I was content knowing I'd see him on Tuesday.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

I called in to work that day. My Uncle Gene had called and told me Pops was sick. I didn't realize the severity of the situation until I got to the hospital. He wasn't the dad I had just two days earlier. He had jaundice, MRSA and was stuck in a time where I wasn't in his life. My sister, whom is now 24, was his main focus. He asked where Kimmy was. I won't lie, my heart broke. We all gathered, my the youngest four children (myself, Matt, Kim, and John), at the hospital during the day. I went home to eat and rest as visiting hours were over before I got the call. 

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

In the very early hours of Wednesday, probably around midnight or shortly later, Stormy the nurse called and informed me that my dad had passed. I called my one and only sister and informed her. I then called my best friend Kesha and she was an angel and met me and my mom at the hospital where we were going to collect his stuff. It was not easy. Seeing my dad there, looking like he was asleep, completely unresponsive to my very desperate plea to wake up. I went into deflect mode. From that point on, I focused on everything else besides his absence. I helped my two uncles plan the funeral. I went with Jeff, Kim and John to get flowers. I truly don't recall if the viewing was Wednesday or Thursday. But I went. And it was not a sad or defining moment. I was very removed, even joked around with my sister and Kesha a little. I have maybe three friends who met my dad. Kesha, Emily Schat Zoll and Chad. Chad may have been the only one to meet him while he was living. 

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I learned how to tie a tie this day. Kesha taught me for the funeral. We had picked out a nice shirt and tie, my uncle and I, for Pops to wear. He wasn't a tie wearing guy. Give him a red or blue t-shirt and a grill, something to fix, elephants or a fishing pole and he was happy. So, since he was dressed in something that wasn't him, I decided to dress in a tie. Which was not me at the time. I told my younger brother Matt "I love you" for the first time in my 22 years of living. I saw him, our dad - my dad - and I broke down. But, even though I don't share the same last name, the same blood still courses through my veins. Pulled myself together, got through the service and took solace with my family and friends the rest of the day. 

If I could have a talk with my dad one more time, I'd thank him for trying. For being honest with me and for letting me see him cry. I'd tell him that I love him, always did, always will. We would talk a little about sports, I'd boast about my grilling skills, I'd tell him about my relationships and how much happier I am now that I have made the social changes I have to be Colby. I'd then tell him my name and why I picked it. Tell him that of I ever adopt, I'm going to do all I can to name my son Thomas Lynn, after him. I'd hug him, even ask for a kiss on the cheek so I can feel that rough yet comforting beard on my cheek. We would talk about fishing and elephants and I'd show him pictures of the last five years. I'd ask him what laundry detergent he used so I can remember what he smells like. And when he has to go, I'd tell him I love and I'll miss him. I'd record the whole conversation so I'd never forget his voice again. I'd thank my dad for being my dad and for loving me even when I broke his heart. 

It's not the same without you, but I still look at cards and think of you. Happy Father's Day. I love you, Pops. 

Changes and Adventures

No real post for today, ladies and gents. Today, I embark on new and exciting adventures. One in film editing. I'm going to test my hand at YouTube videos that closely align to my blog. I considered making another facebook profile, one for a public figure or something...but have decided against that. I will, instead, allow followers on my personal page. Anything that's public, they can see. So...it's kinda like the people I have blocked so I'm not too worried about it.
I'm nervous, excited, tired and weary. This is not something I do well. Change, being in front of the camera, taking on responsibility. But it occurred to me through a dream this weekend: I want to do something big. And I've always known that, but I'm garnering the courage to at least try. The hope that I have for all of this is to someday be a person of stature who can bring awareness and education to trans* issues because I don't want there to be a definition or label. I'm as much of a man as my brothers are. The only difference is I don't have the physical makeup they do. But I'm still a man, I'm still a person.
I had a very nice conversation/debate earlier this week about the labels that society places on people and the varying opinions that are out there and it just further fueled a fire that has been inside me since I was in high school. I hope that my blog and YouTube channel will be places of sanctuary and resources that people feel they can use for whatever positive growth they need. Encouragement, friendship, education, advice...things that I had to discover on my own and wait until my mid-20s to really have from society.
I'm hoping you all go on this journey with me. I'm aware that "you all" is a very small number, but maybe someday in the not-so-distant future, that number of 3 or 4 will expand to 20 or 30 and continue to grow. Here's to the future we all deserve.

Rewriting the Rules

Just a little note here. I don't do my research like I should and I tend to get busy so writing every day isn't going to happen. Expect a new post every other day. Monday, Wednesday and Friday or Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday (or Sunday). I'll find a consistent work habit at some point in time, I promise.

I've written about how trans people are not allowed in the military. I have a feeling, after the article about the retired Navy servicewoman whose gender was successfully changed from male to female, that there are an untold number of transgender people in the military just waiting for the right time to "come out". The higher up you are in the military, the longer you've been in the military and the branch of service all plays a part in how honest and open you feel you can be during and after you are active. Kristin Beck is now a hero of mine for two reasons: Serving my country for 20 years and for being so open about her transition after being a Navy SEAL.

It's so hard to not be who you want to be. Turning it off "like a light switch" is no easy task, I don't care who you are. Gay, straight, trans, cis, asexual, pansexual - whatever you identify as, you can only deny who you are for so long. Don't Ask Don't Tell prohibited gays from being honest about their sexual preference until 2011. The current policy completely bans transgender people. All it takes is one person to set something into motion. One idea, one desire to be true to yourself in the public eye.

We see this apparent in more than the military. Not to downplay the immense courage it takes to come out to family and loved ones as transgender. To be in the public eye has got to be so daunting and so "vexing". Every story is as unique as the names we select. Some of us pick names that can translate across genders as androgynous: Alex, Sam, Jamie. Some of us pick names that can be feminized/masculinized: Christopher and Kristen, Phillip and Phyllis, Brianna and Brian. Nicknames are easier that way. There are others, like myself, who completely change it up. I went from Megan to Colby. I have a friend who went from Andrew to Jennifer. It's almost like naming a child. I'll admit it: I heard my full name from someone other than myself for the first time since legally changing it in March and it was amazing. I knew at that moment that the struggle and fear and insecurities and journey was absolutely worth it. 

We have Jason Collins who has been deemed the "first openly gay" basketball player. Being gay is intense, when in the public eye. However, that's only because of the inconsiderate bigots who can't stand to support human rights. What the hell, really? Balian Buschbaum, the former German pole vaulter, has got to be one of the most attractive men I've EVER seen. He was born a she. So amazing. To go from the Olympics to "Let's Dance" (which is Germany's "Dancing With The Stars") in such a handsome, seemingly-flawless fashion is inspiration. He has the kind of transition we all wish for. And the results we'd kill for.

What I don't understand is why there is more "tolerance and acceptance" in professional sports than in our own military, in our own society. There's insensitivity and fear in every day society (you and me) because we aren't famous. Why is that? We should be more accepted due to the fact that we don't have hundreds or thousands of people looking up to us as role models. And you and I both know that not all of the people who come out as gay or transgender want to be a role model. Personally, I hope that there will come a time when I can be a role model on a much bigger stage than within my own personal life. I love how it was put in an article about NFL players potentially coming out. "Perhaps some day in the future, a player's sexuality won't even be a big story anymore"

It's my hope that some day, being gay or transgender won't matter. We will simply be human beings with all the rights we deserve. 

Resources: 

"The Latest Navy Seal Book Could Impact the Military's Transgender Rules", The Atlantic Wire, J.K. Trotter, 2013

     http://www.theatlanticwire.com/national/2013/06/transgender-navy-seal-memoir/65823/

"Transgender Navy SEAL 'Warrior Princess' Comes Out", ABC News/Advanced Press, Lee Ferran, 2013

     http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/transgender-navy-seal-warrior-princess/story?id=19314231#.Ua2M51v71WI

Balian Buschbaum bio, wikipedia

     http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Balian_Buschbaum

"Roger Goodell: Gay NFL player 'will be accepted'", Around The League, Gregg Rosenthal, 2013

     http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap1000000168350/article/roger-goodell-gay-nfl-player-will-be-accepted

Images:

http://www.theatlanticwire.com/national/2013/06/transgender-navy-seal-memoir/65823/

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/dc-sports-bog/files/2013/04/CROP_jason_collins_SI_cover.jpg

http://www.welt.de/img/sport/crop114207915/7378727734-ci3x2l-w620/Aus-Yvonne-wird-Balian-Buschbaum-verabschiedet-sich-in-neues-Leben.jpg

http://25.media.tumblr.com/88312966bf219f1a0ae51ab3ae7c1895/tumblr_mf1due1MuI1s0wggmo1_400.jpg

How to Keep a Woman Happy

I've never dated a man so this is quite biased. If I have any readers who want to make a list of 10 things they know keep a man happy, please email me, text me, whatever and I'll get that up. If I get more than 10, I'll pick my favorites and post them. We all know there HAS to be more than sex, boobs, and booze that keeps guys happy.

How to Keep a Woman Happy (and get quality sex)

1) Always remember dates. Whether it be a lunch date, her birthday, or the first time you talked about that chick flick she wanted to see but never got to because tickets were sold out and now the movie is out at RedBox. 

2) Flirt with her more than your shower curtain does. If you shower together or she complains about how the curtain touches her ass more than you do, step up your game and get fresh with her from time to time. But keep it interesting and tasteful. 

3) ANSWER YOUR PHONE! Whether text or phone call. ANSWER YOUR PHONE!

4) Send her cute memes. Nothing too mushy, unless you're both mushy people and you know she'll love it. Make her laugh; that's a big key to making her happy and getting lucky later on.

5) Be creative. Girls do actually like homemade gifts. It shows you put thought into something. You aren't a self-centered lazy bum who eats Cheetos off your stomach. 

6) Pamper her. Learn how to soak her feet and apply nail polish. Give her a REAL massage. If you do it right, you can turn a neck massage into a sensual romp in the sheets. 

7) ANSWER YOUR PHONE!

8) Don't correct her. Just. Don't. And don't you dare make a face or sigh or breathe weird or look somewhere else or fidget. Keep a straight face, hold eye contact and wait for her to say something else. 

9) When you screw up (and you will) flowers are not always the answer. Every woman is different. She may like tickets to a concert or making her favorite dinner or a hot shower ready for her when she gets home. Do what you know will get you off the hook, shows you are sorry and care. You may not know what the hell you did, but at least you care enough to make it right. Just don't do it again. 

10) ANSWER YOUR FUCKING PHONE!!! You don't listen to her ringtone, you don't send her to voicemail then text her "busy, what up?" You answer that shit before she even calls. You respond to that text message the second you receive it. If you want to see what the child of Satan and the exorcist looks like, make an impatient (and/or clingy/needy) woman wait for you to acknowledge her existence longer than 4 seconds. 

This list is not inclusive or exclusive and should be tailored to YOUR woman. Not all women are the same and YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT to avoid castration, sleeping on the couch or, in extreme cases, death. 

Assuming

I had a friend of mine tell me a sad story today. A gay woman she works with demeaned her because she told the lady she was bisexual. This woman is openly gay and they were discussing when their parents found out about their sexuality. Well, as a non-parent, I guess I don't see why it matters when a parent "finds out" their child is gay, lesbian, transgender, pan gender, whatever. Do straight people say "Hey Ma, guess what! I'm straight!" No…don't think so. And if you do, what in the hell?

Everybody, whether you like to be on top or on bottom. Whether you like to penetrate or to be penetrated. Whatever your preference is, you deserve to be respected. How dare you tell someone they're "greedy and nasty" because they love differently than you do. How dare you look down upon someone who fights the same battle you do in society. Being bisexual is as much a choice as being gay, tall, fat, blue-eyed.

At dinner tonight with a couple of gay friends, the conversation came up (not by my own instigation) and it was an eye-opener for me. I wasn't raised any better than any of my friends. I was just lucky to have the open-minded mom that I have and went to the most culturally diverse elementary school in town. So, judging someone by color, creed, sex, gender identity, whatever was just something that I didn't understand until I was a teenager if not older.

I heard one friend tell me how his opinion on bisexuality had changed as he got older. My other friend didn't understand how it worked until we explained it to him. Being able to see someone's mind change in front of me was spectacular. I'm endeared to this person a little more than I was because I was able to see the dots connect in his mind and a new door in his life had been opened.

Being bisexual doesn't mean you're a sex fanatic and you will boink whoever will get into your pants. It's absolutely not like that. Did you know that being bisexual isn't even being attracted to men and women? If that were the case, nearly every human being would be bisexual. I find some men attractive, either physically or intellectually. However, I'd never hop into bed with a guy willingly. Nope, never. Not happening in this damn lifetime. I know friends who are married and attracted to women, but they don't want to have sex with another woman.

Most bisexual individuals are more attracted to the personality or "various other attributes and take note of gender afterwards" instead of caring whether they're bedding with a specific gender. It has nothing to really do with gender or orientation as much as it does what matters. And isn't that what we all want? To be loved for everything that we are and hope to be? The worst thing you can do is to demean someone who is bisexual, especially if you are gay. That's like telling your sister or brother that they're lesser than you are. It's not okay. It shouldn't be tolerated.

Resources:

Common Myths of Bisexuality, Bi's and Allies -- a caucus of Pride @ UIC

     http://www.uic.edu/depts/quic/bisandallies/myths.html

Image:

     http://idunnonews.wordpress.com/2012/06/12/gay-straight-or-neither/

Hero/Heroine

One of my best friend's favorite song is "Hero" by Mariah Carey and it's actually a song that I appreciate. Recently, I had the chance to be a hero. In the aftermath, I realized that we are each a hero in our own way. Why? Because sometimes, we have to be our own hero. What does it mean to actually be a hero?

Hero [he-ro, heer-oh] / Heroine  [her-o-ine, her-oh-in]

A man/woman of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his/her brave deeds and noble qualities.

A person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal.

The principle male/female character in a story, play, film, etc.

It means being brave for a split second longer than your dismay. You have to be able to think quickly and make decisions that can have serious implications. You may possibly even feel a sense of responsibility tied to the word "hero". There isn't anything wrong with that, because most people don't want to be a role model or to be a hero. In fact, most people will say "I was doing the right thing" and that's all they were thinking. But what happens when your expected hero (or anyone) doesn't come to save you?

That's when you "look inside you and be strong" because you "finally see the truth that a hero lies in you". Too much? Let's be honest: People will disappoint you. They will let you down. This is human nature because we are not perfect. Society is not perfect and flaws sometimes come out at the most inopportune times. There's nothing wrong with relying on other people, even though it can be difficult for people at times. I do not rely on people for many things and hate admitting I need help. Even then, for every day issues, I have to rely on my own abilities to keep me from falling between the cracks.

I take care of myself. To the best of my ability, of course. Society is going to judge me based off my voice, my clothes, my heritage, my attitude, and whatever else they believe they have the right to judge me by. Go for it. If judging me makes you feel better, fine. I'll consider you ignorant until you and I have a serious conversation about what I'm doing so wrong that you feel offended by me. But really, I don't expect anyone to come to my defense and "save" me from ignorant people who don't give me a chance.

I'm not a hero to anyone else. I haven't saved anyone from a burning building, or from drowning. I haven't been able to donate millions of dollars to a cause I truly believe in. I'm a simpleton. A homebody who enjoys reading actual paperback/hardback books, cooking dinner for those I love, playing with my dogs, and sleeping 12 hours a day if I can pull it off. I noticed suspicious activity, I reported it. Most heroes do nothing more than notice something wrong and do what they can to make it better.

You can be, and generally are, your own hero. When you can't find someone to help you, you must believe in yourself that you are all you need. You sometimes have to dig very deep, deeper than you think you can go, to find your hero and bring that person out. It's easy to get lost in ourselves, or others, but we must never ever give up on our selves. Nobody can tell you how to save yourself, it's something that is internal, completely and utterly raw. Don't give up on yourself just because you feel alone. If you could save one person in the world, wouldn't you do it?

Resources:

"Hero" by Mariah Carey via LyricsFreak.com, 2013

     http://www.lyricsfreak.com/m/mariah+carey/hero_20088486.html

Image: 

http://cauldronsandcupcakes.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/sometimes-you-have-to-be-your-own-hero.jpg