Thoughts on LGBT

I'll preface this by saying this: I was never a girl. As any transgender person does, I went through my phase where I tried the gay AND the straight thing. Having a female body (but the brain and identity of a male), liking guys was a lot harder than it should have been. I played it up to the extreme. I latched on and thought "If I can get so-and-so to like me and be with me, it'll go away and I'll be happy." That failed miserably and I never felt right about saying how much I "loved" a guy.

So, I tried the lesbian route. That was a little easier. It felt more natural and I wasn't as awkward. However, I still felt like I was lying to them (and to myself...and I was). Lesbians generally don't want to be with men (who knew!) and I certainly did not want to be in a female body. And that started at the ripe age of five years old. It wasn't until I was 19 that I finally came out to my mom. I can't remember my exact wording at this point, but I can remember that it was in April and she was standing by the pool. It wasn't something I was straightforward about in dating endeavors until my most recent relationship. Friends were told gradually from age 22 on, as I came out to my father shortly after my 22nd birthday, and nearly two months before his passing.

Upon all of the gay rights and equality movement in the news, I've also noticed there's a rise in the transgender community support. Support for them and more "coming out". We may have been living our lives as we wanted, we may have come out to friends and family, but it wasn't something that was in the news or all over Facebook. New groups are being made, now public pages for coming together and offering support. I've made at least four friends in the last two weeks from this page on Facebook. I haven't talked to but one of them on a personal basis, but it's nice to finally see I'm not the only FTM out there in the world.

Living in Oklahoma, there is still a lot of prejudice and it's hard to find someone who I can relate to. Yes, we have an LGBT chapter, but the transgender aspect is more geared to teenagers. Being in my mid-20s now, I think I'm a bit past that. At the end of the day, don't we all want to know that someone understands us?

I am in no way ashamed of where I came from. I was raised by my mother and her best friend, whom I affectionately referred to as my aunt. I didn't find out until I was in high school that some parents thought they were romantically involved and kids made fun of me for it. It wasn't something that ever crossed my mind. As a bi-racial child, my mom taught me to not see color, gender, creed or preferences, but to see character and base my decisions off what's inside a person. 

The first picture: picking up my "Uncle David" (my mom's friend's husband) from the airport. I was a cute kid! I was into TMNT, the color blue, Sega, and riding bikes around the neighborhood with my-then only friend, Matt.

The second picture is from today. I changed my name from Megan Elizabeth to Colby James on March 5th, 2013. Aside from coming out to my friends and most of my family and letting my facial hair grow out, it's the only thing I've done to start my transition. I realize a lot of other people will go through therapy and then start their hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and then change their name. Well, I've been living as a guy (in terms of how I dress, my mannerisms, dating preferences, how I identify myself) since I was 14. I haven't always gone by Colby the last 13 years. I tried many different names, trying to find one that fit my personality and desires. It wasn't until 2006, after a break up, that I decided Colby was the name for me. 

circa 1990

2013

I'm grateful for the advantages I've had in my life, for the support I do have. Wanting to get married, as a gay couple, is becoming as taboo as a bi-racial, specifically black-white, marriages. More people support it than not. It's not about changing the "sanctity" of marriage, it's about the freedom of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. It's not a religious thing. If that were the case, I know a few married women who should have been stoned when they got married. Let's be realistic. It's never going to go away. With 11 states in America supporting gay marriage and numerous countries across the world giving it the go-head, it'll be a wonderful day when it's called what it truly is. Marriage.

The only people who attach the "gay" part to the "marriage" part are the people who disapprove. If they want to continue to disapprove, I say we start voting on major decisions they make. You want to have a kid? Okay, we get to vote on whether or not that's a good idea. We also get to pick the baby's name. It's the few who are trying to make it a difficult process when it shouldn't even be part of their life. I've heard this a million times: If you're against gay marriage, don't marry gay!

You're simply denying marriage to someone. Do you want you child to be denied the right to get married when they find the one person they want to be with forever? Nobody wants that. If you're going to disown and deny your own child the right you had to be happy and get married and share bills and be happily miserable with someone else, then you're just a jackass and you should be sent to Mars.

I'd like to see the trans community included more in legislation, specifically with insurance companies. I realize that there are trans people who do nothing more than live as their identified gender and that a lot of people opt to not have sexual reassignment surgery (SRS) simply because they don't want the surgery. There are people, like me, who want the surgery but don't have $20,000+ to have all the surgeries needed. I do, eventually, want to have top and bottom surgery.

I'm not saying that it will "complete" me in any way. It's a difficult thing to describe. I have always been a male, even though I don't have the parts. I want it, though. You can't go back once you make that decision and that's why therapy is needed. You can't have the surgery to "try it out" and see if it's for you. Once it's disassembled or assembled, you're with it. For trans men, you can get prosthetics to help you adjust to at least standing while you go to the bathroom.

I've had personal conversations with people who think it's easier to transition as MTF because it's more common. I don't necessarily agree with that. I don't know which is easier because both can be extremely challenging. When you realize you're gay, you don't change. When you realize you're transgender, there's a whole different set of challenges you face. Guilt and frustration that come with feeling like you're taking away your parent's daughter and trying to replace her with a son. At least, I've experienced some guilt and frustration. FTM is less common and I'm not sure why, honestly. But I'm hoping to discover why and compile my own set of resources to share with others.

It's very important to be informed and to have support. I've been very lucky to have so much support from my friends and family. Honestly, I've only lost one friend over the situation. Most of my friends are good at calling me Colby. The next transition to go through is the masculine pronouns and such. Some of my friends have that down, most of them alternate because I think it's weird for them. Hopefully, someday it won't be an issue for anyone. I've heard numerous times from different people "she'll always be Megan to me" and that makes me sad because that's not who I am. It's a name, I've never identified as a girl and I never liked having such a feminine name. Had I been a natural-born male, my name probably would have been Maurice James. I would have been happy with that name. I could always change it as I got older.

I realize this was a bit of a rant, a bit of personal history and a bit of personal opinions. I don't have expectations for this "blog" and I hope, if anyone ever reads it, you don't either.