Interrogation? 20 Questions? Ask Away!

When coming out, there are certainly questions that people ask. It's unavoidable. Very few people will simply nod their head and go on. They'll either ask you or ask a mutual friend. I'm going to go ahead and compile a list of questions I've been asked and questions that maybe people are too afraid to ask.

• Does your girlfriend/boyfriend consider herself/himself gay or straight?
• In my last relationship, she considered herself straight because she saw me as a man. 
• Can you/do you pee standing up/sitting down?
• Anyone can pee standing up/sitting down. Depends on how dedicated you are. I have  previously stood up to go pee, and there are places that sell prosthetics where you can learn how to do it if you want.
• Why do you want a penis/vagina?
• Having a penis part of my identity, part of my sexuality. It isn't 100% necessary, but I feel very naked and vulnerable without one. I've only talked to one transwoman who was willing to go into that sensitive topic with me and she agreed, it's part of her sexuality. She needed/wanted the surgery because it made her feel more feminine.
• How do your parents feel about you dating a woman/man?
• My mother personally has never expressed any disappointment or issues. I've only brought one woman home to meet my mom in that capacity. I'm sure it was an adjustment, but she never said that it made her uncomfortable. I think that this really depends on how supportive and open your parents are
• What do you do during "that time of the month"?
• That's actually a fantastic question because I really don't know how anyone else deals/dealt with it. Personally, I don't have to deal with it all that often and when I do, I literally want to die because it's just one more thing reminding me that my body doesn't match my brain.
• What is the difference between transgender and transsexual?
• Transgender: Identifying with a gender opposite than ones biological gender.
• Transsexual: A person born with the physical characteristics of one gender who emotionally and psychologically feel that they belong to the opposite sex
• When defined this way, I actually have to reconsider whether or not I'm transsexual. There have always been negative connotations to being transsexual and so I felt I identified as a transgender man. Well...I was born a female, but emotionally and psychologically I absolutely do not feel like a female. Maybe it's time to challenge those stigmas and remove them from how it's all viewed by society.
• What is the hardest part about being transgender/transsexual?
• Coming to terms with your body not matching your mind. It's very hard to not feel like a mistake or an abomination of some sort at some point in time. You learn to deal and cope and accept yourself the best that you can. That's why people start to dress in the clothes of the gender they identify with most, that's why they possibly try being gay first, that's why they attempt and commit suicide. It's so hard to accept yourself when society doesn't accept you. That's why we all have to be allies and not judge someone for something they have absolutely no control over. I didn't ask to be born a female. It's not something I want...nor would I ever wish anyone to experience the emotional turmoil I have.
• Is your facial hair natural? How do you make it grow? (for transwomen: how do you get your face so smooth?)
• Yes, it's natural. It just grows. I have no control over it. It grows like the hair on my head, legs, arms, wherever. It doesn't grow on the sides of my face and it doesn't even cover my full chin, but I make it work the best I can because I feel more masculine, more attractive, when I have facial hair. That, and I look like I'm 12 when I'm clean shaven.
• For transwomen, a lot of them undergo electrolysis to remove their facial hair. It's very painful and can be quite expensive, but it's what you do to make yourself complete.
• Does showing previous, more feminine (more masculine) pictures bother you?
• Honestly, the only time I get uncomfortable is when you can OBVIOUSLY tell I'm a girl. Such as prom, when I'm in a beautiful purple and shimmery orange dress. Yeah, I actually hide those pictures from public viewing. People can't believe I'd ever wear a dress. Well, yeah, I kinda had to. And yes, I went to prom with a guy. Twice. I don't know about other people. Maybe they're more accepting of their past. It's not that I'm ashamed, but it isn't who I identify with and it makes me feel a little awkward.
• How do you have sex?
• How do YOU have sex? I'll tell you a quick story. I was a virgin until I was 25. I have sex the same way everyone else has sex.
• How do you know you want to be a man/woman?
• How do you know you are a man/woman? Is it because you have a penis or a vagina? Is it because you wear a certain brand of clothing? Shop in a certain section of the store? It's that I identify with what society considers male. Even as a kid, I was interested in typically male occupations: Preacher, meteorologist (think Gary England, Mike Morgan...10 o'clock news in central OK, all main meteorologists were men). I guess that's it. My other occupations were vet and journalist/author. You just know, it's who you are, it's how you want the world to view you and address you.
• Do you consider yourself gay or straight?
• Seeing as how I identify as a man and date only women, I see myself as a straight man. That doesn't mean that a trans woman (man who identifies as a woman) won't have her surgery and date women. That would make her a gay woman. Not all trans people will date the opposite of their identifying gender. Your gender identity does not define your sexual orientation. 

I'll give you this: It is a very interesting thing to discuss. If you haven't self-educated yourself, you may not have a lot of exposure to the trans community. And, honestly, that's okay. I didn't grow up extremely exposed to the gay community. I learned about that on my own. The fact that you're willing to educate yourself is amazing and I commend you for your search to expand your knowledge base. For that, I would be very willing to answer any questions anyone may have. I promise utmost honesty. If I don't know something, I will research it for you and provide you with what I find, links and information. If I can help someone learn something new, I will go to the ends of the Earth to make it happen. You can comment here, post on my Facebook wall/message or email me.

One thing I do ask you keep in mind when you meet a trans person: we have feelings, too. Some questions are invasive and many topics can be sensitive. Please be aware of that. If we don't feel comfortable answering a question, please let it go. 


Resources:
"Answers To Your Questions About Transgender People, Gender Identity and Gender Expression", American Psychological Association, 2011
     http://www.apa.org/topics/sexuality/transgender.pdf

"Trans 101", The Pride Trainings, Brett Genny Beemyn
 http://www.rainbowheights.org/downloads/Rainbow%20Heights%20Club%20Trans%20101%20Handout%20for%20Distribution.pdf

"Ask Matt: What Are The Most Common Trans-Related Questions You Get?", Matt Kailey Transgender & Transsexual Issues, Information, and Opinion, Matt Kailey 2013
      http://tranifesto.com/2013/03/11/ask-matt-what-are-the-most-common-trans-related-questions-you-get/